She's thinking of leaving again

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, things may change my friend - but it does take time. Stats show that R's which start as A's rarely transition into successful, long term partnerships. I would hold firm on the - we are not friends - stance. Not in a jerky way, just in a protective boundary way.

I certainly don't think being her friend is the way to go if you hope to reconcile. If you think about it - you become her 'friend' again in the hope of reconciling. She is then able to think - Oh Scrant is okay with what's happening here- we're all okay with this. I get to spend time with OM, and my family. My R with S is even better than it was before. Hey, this is better for everyone actually. I made a good move - It all enables and supports your W's poor decisions.

I don't think avoiding her is childish. I think as she has betrayed you and your vows, it is perfectly reasonable to tell her it doesn't work for you to spend time as friends. And I would also leave her to manage her R with S. Your R with him is yours to own. Her R with him is hers to own. I certainly wouldn't obstruct it, and of course you'll act in the best interests of your S here. But equally, her R with him is hers and current choices may put some strain on that.

Also, have a think about triangulation here (and maybe google it.) If you stay as one point on the triangle, you continue to meet some of your W's needs. To her you may represent family, friendship, security, comfort. On the flipside, OM may make her feel 'alive' excited, and so on. Staying as one point on the triangle enables these very different needs to be met and may keep the equilibrium longer - for what motivation does your W have to change? But remove yourself from the triangle places much more of a burden on a R that was built on foundations of sand anyway.

I think the big thing to dig for here is patience. I think you are on the right track here, but it does take time - possibly much longer than you think. This is why GAL for you is so important and where your focus is best placed.

Can I ask about your comment from the psychologist about the obsession? Are you saying that OM has been in the picture for a long while? (sorry if I missed something here...)

Take care - and another big thing to remember - often doing nothing is the best way. You feel like nothing is happening, but often there are important things happening unseen to you.

xx