Unlurking to share my story

[sandi2]

Explain what you mean by it should not matter if she saw OM or not.

[SciDad]

Jpeg,

Introspection is something I might be too good at. I've been told I spend too much time in my head and not enough time living life. However, given the circumstances I see no other way to survive.

As for the name, my work involves scientific research of cancer (but before you ask, I don't have a medical degree or know anything about patients - I only work on cells in dishes). I figure the dad part is pretty self explanatory. The name is a derivative of a now abandoned blog I started a few years ago about the challenges and joys of being a both a good scientist and a devoted father. Unfortunately, many scientific role models achieved greatness at the expense of family. Ironically, I was trying to show a path that didn't go down that route.

[SciDad]

Sandi,

At first my intention was to say that what really mattered was that she wanted to go see him. Then I backtracked because if I'm worried about what she is or isn't doing it's pretty clear to me that I'm WAY too invested in her thoughts and actions.

It seems to me that I should be focused on myself, working on those goals I listed earlier (especially the ones involving my kids), and not give a rats a$$ what she does. The fact I still care about her motives suggests to me that I am not detached enough to survive the roller coaster I'm on

[SciDad]

I just stumbled upon a quotation that I think is too appropriate not to share.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

-Maya Angelou

[sandi2]

Okay, thanks.

I originally viewed these actions as improvements in our relationship, but I now wonder if they are just attempts to appease me while she was at home, with an end goal of her going off and see the OM. Were they a smoke screen or genuine feelings? I know see my wife as a people-pleaser to a fault. She'll say whatever I or the OM want to hear, but I don't know what or if she means any of it.

It's hard to tell how authentic some WW's may be in these cases. Personally, I believe as long as she's wayward, it's cause for doubt. I think a lot of women enjoy the "friendship" the M provides for them. (In my own case, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with my H, and he was a very nice guy). Some WW's are so good at being manipulative, until the LBH is totally deceived or confused by their nice behavior.

[SciDad]

Sandi,

Thank you for replying, your insights are invaluable to guys like me. Your description of not being in the same room is what we had until I confronted my wife (although maybe not quite as dramatic as that). That's why I saw her actions as a good sign. I snooped for the last tI mean yesterday and saw her texting the om kisses and saying how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

So yeah, still wayward. And I'm trying to pretend I never saw that but it's tough. Although being repulsed by your wife's actions does make it easier for me not to try anything physical....

[SciDad]

Open Question: what is the proper balance between acting "as if" and an be acting like a doormat?

I will remain cordial, but that's about ask I can commit to. I may still do some nice things now and again, but I won't go outta my way to make her feel better. I will try to be more selfish, but I struggle with how far to go.

[SciDad]

More questions, less clarity. My wife keeps making a point of saying how the kids are thankful for family, how much they love us, that their favorite memories are us spending time together, etc.

Then she goes into the other room to text the on. WTF is that all about? Trying to guilt me into staying for the kids? Dealing with her own guilt? I just don't get it

[SciDad]

To be clear, I'm not really asking because I need to know. I'm just curious about the pathology that goes into such actions

[SciDad]

I just had an ugly epiphany. The OM just went through a divorce and my wife was "supporting" him through it (remember we were all friends until I found out about the EA).

What if the reason for the OM's divorce was a plan between the two of them so they could get together? He's got a lot more money tied up in his marriage (mortgage, cars, college costs) and could stand to lose a lot more financially if his W became bitter and wanted to take him to the cleaners.... My wife has no savings and no retirement - nothing I can go after (although I have both savings and retirement). Maybe they focused on the financial aspect and decided that it was OK if only one of them left their spouse?

Outside of the obvious emotional entanglements my wife may feel even more compelled to stay devoted to the OM. She may even feel that he left his marriage for my W.

I guess this probably shouldn't be an earth-shattering discovery, but it helps me realize just how far I'm going to have to go with DBing before he's out of the picture. And it will serve as a good way to dampen my enthusiasm when I find signs of thawing....