onward - 13

[u-turn]

So life right now seems to be based around preparing for the kids to come to my hose and preparing for them to leave. Tonight I prepare for them to leave tomorrow for a week - sad. D15 has a bit of the flu and S18 has no interest in leaving - but life will go on.

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back to this - I do think STBX absolutely controlled the frequency of sex throughout our marriage - it was almost always on her terms but initiated by me. The frequency was less (much less) than I preferred. So what does that mean, a lot of rejection with a couple great nights in a month. We never talked about it though. Sometimes the rejection would cause resentment and stewing from me which would in turn upset her and we would spend a day in silence. This cycle happened for as long as I can remember.

Was this her control of this part of our relationship - when she felt that the whole world was centered around me ? - I don't know what her feelings were. Did she feel like I was trying to take control of this part of our relationship? I don't know that either.

The great nights were great though - right up until the beginning of the end.

I hope to get this right next time. I hope I will be able to understand what it takes to have balance. I hope to be able to talk about this - about everything.

I have a lot of hopes for next time. I do feel like I have learned a lot.

I don't know how to get to a next time, but I am starting to think about how I would like it to look.

I'm not exactly sure how to start writing this new story of me - I better start figuring it out though - I surely don't feel like I'm moving forward much at this point. There's not much storyworthy yet - just a lot of me whining about things here. But it will come.

thanks for the nudge - I am going to try and talk each night here.