Hi Sandi, good to hear from you. I am going crazy! I swing from detaching.. to I want my W back!
I know I should not have done it but last night I lost my cool and brought up MR. W in family room sitting on couch and told me she just added all the events/activities into our family calendar.. that was my lead in and I asked in a respective voice if she wanted to spend the holidays with OM and she said, no. My reply was, "he texted you on our family vacation". Her reply was, "I can't stop him from texting" then she caught herself and said, "well, I could". What was different this time, for the first time, I could feel myself loosing control and getting upset at the entire sit (did not yell but dropped a few f bombs).
I realize I am the one who is hurting; not her. It's what I do that makes a difference not the conversations. The conversation does not reveal new insight but I want to share a few comments W made (in no particular order) as she crys (W rarely tears but does when she tells me the following): 1. You were not there for me (I agreed based on the examples W shares to make her case; I see her viewpoint now). 2. I have been alone for a long time. You only feel like this now because I am not in your corner anymore. 3. You would not have changed if it was not for the affair (She is probably correct. W always refers to affair in past tense.. but she talks to OM). 4. The abortion broke/changed me.
She asked me questions that caught me off guard: 1. I made a comment like "you not the woman I married". She replied "you are right.. I never would have imagined I would have had an affair or an abortion at 40. Why do you want to be with me then"? I did not respond. 2. I made a comment like "this is a f@#! situation we created for ourselves". Her reply was like, "how do you suggest we fix it"? I just replied it would not be easy.
Towards the end of the conversation she said, "I do not know what I want. You should do want makes you happy do not wait for me. It may be 2, 3, 5 years before I know and I may regret it". She acknowledged she is the one who has to do the work to make the change but also said she could not get back to me (hinting to how she views me.. as a selfish individual and was never there for her).
This stinks because I see that she needs to give up OM then and only then does it have a change to work. But her personality is to take the path of least resistance and the resentment she holds is so strong.. she often said her heart turned cold.
