Wife wants to separate at end of school year

[Dawgs]

Sandi gives awesome advice. It just took me a long time to get to the point of realizing just how good it is!

[Ripe]

Go back and read the 37 rules. Which rule says to Go Dark? There is a big difference in DBing detachment and Going Dark. I believe the only way a person can successfuly go dark is when they are living in separate homes and have no children. (Apparently there are others who believe in going gray, etc. I think that loses the concept of what Going Dark is all about.....but maybe it's just my pet peeve).

Dear Sandi,
Would you please elaborate on what you understand about Going Dark vs Going Grey and what works and what does not?
I ask this because I have been following gogofo sitch. He has kids and apparently he was able to cut any interaction with his W except when it came to their kids. And apparently he was successful..
I would appreciate to hear your thoughts on this, for my benefit.
Thanks

[Bhuda1]

I have had a very interesting past couple of weeks. I just read gogofo's thread and feel a bit better.

We spent the weekend away at our son's hockey tournament in Montreal. It was nice to be away from the house as a family.

Part of me was hoping for a sign that she was reconsidering her plans to separate after the school year, Unfortunately, there weren't any signs.

I have kept my distance, no physical contact at all, just pleasant conversation. It's so hard for me not to show her any type of affection. This is where I am really struggling.

I could use some advice about going dark while under the same roof. I don't want to be the one who sleeps elsewhere since it is her intention to separate. Should I sleep in another room?

Gogofo mentioned he would not have any interaction with the w if he was in the same house. When she sits down in the same room, do I vacate to another room?

Do I be her friend? Part of my plan was to try to start the relationship all over by being a friend and hoping the friendship would grow into the loving r we had when we got married and before our relationship started to turn for the worst five years ago.

I look back and realize that had she only opened up back then we would not be in the sitch we are in today. I tried to discuss things but she never told me how she really felt and although things weren't great I always felt our love was strong enough to get over this huge hurdle.

I recently had a very productive telephone coaching session. When done I was feeling pretty good about things but now I am not so sure. I know it took time to be where we are at today but I am scared that I will never be able to do enough to make the w realize we are meant to be together.

I only have hope that the in next 7 months I can win her back.

[Cristy]

Hi Bhuda1,

I'm glad you are back! Weekends away at hockey tournaments are so much fun. It is so exciting to watch the kids play their hearts out. Hopefully it is a good group of parents to spend time with too. It is always back to reality and laundry after everyone gets home.

The questions you have are good ones. Have you been reading DR? The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Bhuda1]

I had a productive coaching session not too long ago. I just wish it could have lasted longer. My questions were answered but after the call more questions arose. I have to watch my spending and that is why I am deliberately spacing my coaching calls to once a month, however, if need be I will call sooner.

I have been reading the DR book. I find myself re-reading chapters for more information and reassurance. I am trying to follow through on the suggestions in the book but at times I find myself questioning my progress.

I realize patience is needed. I am quite patient in most situations and I realize there is no quick fix to my r but the lack of any visible signs from my wife that what I am doing is working is frustrating.

We are heading to Detroit for my other son's hockey tournament this coming weekend and I am looking forward to spending the time with my family. As Gogofo mentioned, if he can't be married he can't be friends. I am in conflict with that. I see how it has worked for him, but living in the same house makes it difficult for me to just be an acquaintance.

All I have right now is hope, with the Christmas season fast approaching I fear for how I will cope knowing it may be our last Christmas together as a family.i also hope that the joy and happiness the season brings will help my w realize how important it is to stay together as a family.

[Bhuda1]

The weekend in Detroit was just like any other weekend in recent weeks. Nothing new. I see no change in w behaviour. I'm starting to get frustrated again.

I would like some advice on how can I really go dark when we live in the same house, while keeping the r problems away from my boys. I am sure they are oblivious to what's happening.

There is absolutely no discussion about the marriage. I will not initiate the conversation, but I am fearful, based on her history, that the discussion will not arise until d-day at the end of the school year.

I have decided to not share the bed any longer. I am now making excuses to not be home as much during the times my wife is home. I am spending more evenings at my office, just to get away from my spouse. I want to get a life, but my circle of friends are all married and I am keeping my sitch to myself.

I have a full gym in my basement so getting a gym membership is impracticle and would be a waste of money. The hockey schedule keeps me busy most nights and weekends so I have very little down time for anything else.

My 180 does not seem to be working. In fact I think she is enjoying the lack of interaction. I even have suspicions now that there may be another M in her life. i may be jumping to conclusions but she seems to be guarded when reading emails and text messages. I keep my distance and act as if I don't care who is sending her messages.

I am looking for guidance from other D.B's. Any recommendations will be appreciated.

[Cristy]

Hello Bhuda1,

I'm so sorry you are feeling frustrated again.

You mentioned that you are trying to space out our coaching sessions to once a month, but you may want to consider scheduling something soon. Especially if you are needing a boost to get your strategies back on track.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Bhuda1]

As Christmas draws closer, My feelings of fear and anxiety are getting the better of me. The fear that this is our last Christmas together as a family.
Things around the house are fine. We interact, discuss our days and the children.

I get the feeling the W is enjoying the in house separation. Occassionally I have been sleeping on the couch. No explanation is given to my W. I just let her go to bed first and I make myself comfortable on the couch. She does not ask why I decided to sleep on the coach.

I am not looking forward to Christmas at all this year. Just don't feel like celebrating at all. I have no idea what her mind set is. I refuse to bring up any conversation that deals with our sitch or M but I question this decision sometimes. How counter productive would it be to open up dialogue about our marriage since we haven't had any discussion since the bomb was dropped on me. I know it would be best for our children if we stayed together. If a separation is inevitable, I need more ammunition to win her back.

I want to see what the Christmas Holiday Brings. If I do not see any change in my spouse I may have to go against the rules and open up dialogue as I need something to gauge if what I have been doing is working. She has never been one to open up unless I pry.

I have decided that I may need total detachment from her after the holidays. That will include less communication, more time away from the house with little explanation as to where I am going and what I am doing. Avoiding her as much as possible while at home together.

I have also been working on what I will say if and when she decides to separate in full. I hope I can keep the tears back, be strong and confident in myself. I will not beg her to stay, in fact I will suggest I will help find her a place to live if she has not already made arrangements.

I may be getting ahead of myself but I need to prepare for the conversation.

[tl2]

Occassionally I have been sleeping on the couch.

Your house, you can sleep where you want. But I wouldn't move out of the bedroom.

I am not looking forward to Christmas at all this year. Just don't feel like celebrating at all

Find a way to make it the best it can possibly be for your kids' sake.

How counter productive would it be to open up dialogue about our marriage since we haven't had any discussion since the bomb was dropped on me.

Is it worth the risk? It will likely set you way back and you will likely have an even harder time not talking about it. If she changes her mind, she will talk about it.

I know it would be best for our children if we stayed together

She likely knows this as well. But this is about her, and that's the fog she's in. No benefit from bringing it up.

If a separation is inevitable, I need more ammunition to win her back.

Have you read DB/DR? This isn't really about winning her back. This is about you winning yourself back...and giving her the time and space to decide if she wants the new you back.

If I do not see any change in my spouse I may have to go against the rules and open up dialogue

Disaster waiting to happen, but your choice I guess.

I need something to gauge if what I have been doing is working.

If you need this, then I would humbly suggest you have a lot more work to do on yourself to become strong, independent, and give her space.

She has never been one to open up unless I pry.

If you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you always got.

I have decided that I may need total detachment from her after the holidays. That will include less communication, more time away from the house with little explanation as to where I am going and what I am doing. Avoiding her as much as possible while at home together.

You need this now, bro, but you need it to focus on you, not to try and manipulate her into doing what you want. You don't need to avoid her...also don't need to pursue her. Go about your business an interact as needed on a sociable level.

I have also been working on what I will say if and when she decides to separate in full.

Why? Just go with, "Ok."

I will not beg her to stay

Good.

I will suggest I will help find her a place to live if she has not already made arrangements.

Why? If she wants to leave, let her do her thing and stay out of it. The mantra is: "Not my circus. Not my monkeys." Recognize it's her life and release yourself from holding onto her, release her to her own decisions and responsibilities, and focus on yourself.

[Bhuda1]

It's Christmas eve and emotions are running high. I had a very productive telephone coaching session last week. My coach suggested that because we are living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed it is not recommended to go dark. I was relieved to hear this, as its impossible to go dark in my situation.

We are co-habituating. My wife has always paid the utility bills and I have covered the other major expenses, mortgage, life, car and house insurance, cable, internet and wireless phone bills ,registration fees for our children's sports and other incidentals. Until recently, I was fine with this arrangement. I have been doing some thinking and maybe I should suggest, since we are more like room mates, we should split the bills 50/50. This would actually be a total 180 for me. It may open her eyes to the reality of what I have actually contributed to this marriage financially and what she can expect when/if she follows through on the separation. If anyone feels this may be a mistake, please let me know.

My past spending habits are partly to blame for our situation, however, over the past 2 months I have paid off almost $30,000 in Credit card debt. Being self employed, part of my get a life was to spend as much time working to better myself financially but still be available to my children. Any night that my boys had hockey or other activities, I was always available.

I have been more responsible with my spending. She continues to treat herself to expensive boots, shoes, clothing. Its her money. She works hard, but knowing how much she spends on these items, especially when she criticised me on my spending seems hypocritical.

I find myself becoming more angry with her each day. I know we are both to blame for our situation, but if she would have only expressed her concerns sooner , I would have changed my habits, focused more on us and our future.

It is true that you never know how good something is until you loose it. I have always appreciated my wife and I let her know that. However, I had a poor way of showing it. The feeling of loss I have right now is overwhelming and I want to fix things. I just hope that she is not too stubborn to admit we can salvage this marriage, become the people we were when we got married.

She was my best friend. I want her to be my best friend again.