My WW - Trying To Stay Strong

[sandi2]

Did your W stay overnight at friends (while leaving her H and kids at home) before the troubled M?

I find it very odd that so many W's stay overnight with friends. That seems rather commonplace around the board.

[Strngr!]

Did your W stay overnight at friends (while leaving her H and kids at home) before the troubled M?

I find it very odd that so many W's stay overnight with friends. That seems rather commonplace around the board.

Never! This is her form of seperation. She was almost crying when she walked out the door last night. When she told me she was going to stay at her freinds she said I dont want her sleeping in our bed or something like that. I but she doesnt want to pack up and leave because she whats to see S1 in morning and Evening. So she comes home after work spends time with S1. Then when i get home she went shopping last night and came home after S1 is sleeping and watched hkm while i went to gym i get home from gym she leave for her freinds sleeps there comes home in the morning drives s1 to daycare. Im guessing its her trying to get some space so she doesnt feel bad coming home late in the evening. I know she keeps saying she doesnt want to hurt me. Maybe you can shed some light on what she might be thinking. She'll probably end up saying im being selfish and that its not fair she always has to be the one to leave the house. But im not the one f'ed things up and ik not the one asking for a seperation so why should i leave?

[Strngr!]

Oh she also said something like she doent want to sleep next to someone who hates her or something to that effect.

[mvgfwd2]

Don't worry or respond to what she says. It's pointless and will just fuel her desire to get a reaction out of you to validate what she says.

I would follow the advice sandi has on WW. It is what is needed. Move her stuff out of YOUR room, no lock needed at this point. Just move her out of your mind, mentally and physically. Don't say anything about it, just do it.

Look at your financial arrangements and separate them to the extent you can. No more joint checking and savings. Your paycheck goes into an individual account. Same for anything else that is joint, phones, insurance, credit cards, etc. Make a list and a plan to separate them. You may want to consult a L on what you can and can't do with this.

About W friend who wants to get you to meet with W, I would say thanks but not at this time. Her help may be perceived wrongly by W and could make things worse. And it would. W needs to decide to come back to you not because she is asked to by a friend. But a supporter that can influence you W isn't a bad thing to have in W's ear.

And, as you already know, DON'T LEAVE your HOUSE

[Strngr!]

Don't worry or respond to what she says. It's pointless and will just fuel her desire to get a reaction out of you to validate what she says.

I cant remember what i said when she said she didnt want to sleep next to me.

I would follow the advice sandi has on WW. It is what is needed. Move her stuff out of YOUR room, no lock needed at this point. Just move her out of your mind, mentally and physically. Don't say anything about it, just do it.

I been reading the advice over typically once or twice a day doing my best to follow it.

Look at your financial arrangements and separate them to the extent you can. No more joint checking and savings. Your paycheck goes into an individual account. Same for anything else that is joint, phones, insurance, credit cards, etc. Make a list and a plan to separate them. You may want to consult a L on what you can and can't do with this.
[QUOTE]I been meaning to ask about this currently we have seperate checking and savings acounts never joined them. Also my pay goes to my bank her pay goes to hers. Typically in the past i paid pretty much all the bills and W just paid for everything else groceries, dinner out, gifts, etc. I pay morgage, all insurance, phone bills, gas, hydro, water, childcare bills. I been thinking i should do a budget or something and tell her we gota split the common bills more evenly now that she wants to be seperates. What would you recomend?

[Quote]About W friend who wants to get you to meet with W, I would say thanks but not at this time. Her help may be perceived wrongly by W and could make things worse. And it would. W needs to decide to come back to you not because she is asked to by a friend. But a supporter that can influence you W isn't a bad thing to have in W's ear.

I do beleive this freind is routing hard for me and W to work things out. I think of how i would feel i was in her shoes and a buddy of mine was cheating on his wife who is a good wife. Id be telling him he's crazy and to drop the OW which is what W gf said she is telling my W. I suppose im not her though and we all have different predermined feelings about M (learned that from DR book). Anyways i am not asking for this freind to say anything to my W. I actually told her to be carefull how hard she pushes because i didnt want W pushing her away if she displayes opposition to the A. W will do what ever she needs to do to get her fix right?

And, as you already know, DON'T LEAVE your HOUSE

Not leaving i have a right to live in the house im not giving up that right. Thats her problem if she needs the space and wants to seperate.

[TxHubby]

Don't want to beat a dead horse but I have experience with this one. Do not leave the marital house for any circumstances. Not even a night. That's considered abandonment and now you're the bad guy. I've been there.

[Enigma]

I know she keeps saying she doesnt want to hurt me. Maybe you can shed some light on what she might be thinking.

Based on my own experience of in-house separation with a WW who said the same thing "doesn't want to hurt me".... it is best not to get into her head. She will not make any sense and isn't rational right now. Fact is only she knows what she is thinking (whether rational or not) and there is no way you can guess nor would it serve any purpose. I suggest shifting the focus back to you. If WW was never around to begin with, what would you be doing now? What do you want to try?

She'll probably end up saying im being selfish and that its not fair she always has to be the one to leave the house. But im not the one f'ed things up and ik not the one asking for a seperation so why should i leave?

As others have said, I agree with not leaving your home. The hardest part while living an in-house separation is the detachment. With a young little one S1, it can be very difficult to GAL as often to detract from situation.. I get that. Are you guys able to work out a co-parenting schedule where you both get equal time to do what you want? Something to get you away from the house and your wife from time to time? Just thinking aloud.

Hang in there as I know the bumps in the road and trying to swerve is too difficult when you're racing.

[mvgfwd2]

You are right in cautioning your W's gf about not pushing too hard. What I've learned is WW only want people around that approve of the A, or at the least not bothering her about it. WW will get new friends if necessary to not have to confront their own conscience and spoil the fun. My W's bff is a serial cheater who got that way after one of her friends showed her the way. And this BFF was showing my W the way to WW until I stepped in and stopped the chain of WWs. That's why I am very uncomfortable if my W has any D'ed friends (she has none now and her BFF is gone for good). It's like a contagious virus when you get too close.

[tl2]

I think you're being manipulated with her comments and her tears. Ignore them. I also agree with not leaving the home. Unless you've been violent or abusive, there is absolutely no reason to do that. Stay home, be polite, and take care of business for your kids. That's the only thing that matters right now.

[Strngr!]

Enigma, we basically gave been taking turns being out of house in evening, i been going to gym, went to movies with freinds, nothing formal thinking of doing something out of comfort zone like someone suggested just dont know what that is as of yet.

MVG, my wife doesnt have any freinds that are divorced. Most are either married or in a long term relationship. Which is good i guess.

tl2, I beleive the tears may be genuine but i have been igonring them because i am not 100% certain and I will not leave our home.