Claire, I've been giving this some thought and here's what I've got:

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It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.


When I came here, I wasn't there yet either. In fact, Betsey was concerned about how angry I was with him. I think now a lot of that is subsiding. The lifting of the uncertainty was a big part of that -- once I knew where I would live, and how I would live, I felt significantly calmer and thus needed to lash out against him less. You're still in the thick of the negotiations, so it stands to reason that you're going to be really angry/hurt/resistant until you're settled.

Besides getting my life in order, a huge help to me in settling into being happier after the divorce was the trip to Paris. It was the sort of thing I would have completely brushed off before the divorce. It was absolutely terrifying. And then, when I got there, it was glorious: not only because I was in PARIS, but also because when I wanted to do something, and my friend didn't, I went ahead and did it anyway. That was huge. It was scary, but it felt so indulgent and unmartyr-like, and I realized that my whole life could be like that, now that I'm not saddled with Mr. "I Don't Want to Plan Ahead." It was very healing.

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And I don't want him back, but I can't bring myself to say I want to be D either. Being a single mom is hard. I miss his family and feel so betrayed by them as well. I care about what is going on with his gf WAYYYYY more than I should. And I still have a lot of anger. But every time I imagine telling him how I feel, it just sounds so pathetic and lame.


This I don't expect to ever go away. I worked harder at my relationship with his family than he ever did. I have gotten over wondering about the gf, mostly. She's walking away from a cheater who broke her heart, into the arms of a cheater who will break her heart (if she doesn't break his first). I told a friend, I sympathize, she was hurt, but at some point we have to find our inner Wonder Woman and embrace mightiness. Part of finding your inner Wonder Woman is realizing that if anything you said to him mattered, he would never have left in the first place. So write all the letters you need to, and envision how you'd like him to respond to them, and then laugh at what he's missing out on.

For what it's worth, I've written a LOT of letters to God asking for the qualities I need to move through this experience. It helps.

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And even many of the single mom friends I've made are now dating someone. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not ready to date-- and afraid of dating just so I won't feel lonely. That's what got me into this situation in the first place.


I signed up for Match on impulse. It has been WEIRD. I have made a connection (very early days) that has freaked me out a lot and it's taken some time to figure out why. I thought I was ready, but when the rubber hit the road I did panic. It was my married friends who helped me process through why that would be, and who reminded me that this is supposed to be fun, not something I do to fill a need. Any time it stops being fun, then I either talk to the person involved and evaluate based on their response, or I take a time out. I'm finding my power again (or maybe for the first time).

We've been through all this together almost from the beginning and it's interesting to me how our experiences have mirrored one another, but sometimes intertwining on when we get there. I think you're going to get there, but you're going to need to make a strategy for how you're going to do it. Maybe once per day, make a note of something you GET to do now that you're single that you would not have been able to enjoy married? And then after a few weeks, make it two things you're grateful for, etc.

Hugs to you, Claire. It is unjust. But it IS.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.