So I did many rights and many wrongs, here it goes:
What I think I did wrong: 1.the biggest one - end up in bed with my XH. 2. He start talking about R and I talk back. 3. Feel sorry for him and break my own boundaries. 4. I am inconsistent, sometimes I am stronger and I can commit to distance myself from him even when he is at my house, and sometimes I give in and I am all fresh and happy around him. 5. I talk too much with XH and sometimes end up saying too much about my life. 6. He gives me attention, I take it and he makes me see that he is being there for me. 7. He pushes me around, like with his arrangements about the kids and makes his problems my problems. 8. I really don't like when he cries and I feel sorry for him. 9. I did not go to some GAL because XH was around and I decided to stay talking to him. 10. I am not being strong enough to engage in a non contact R with him. 11. I get hurt when he gives the attention and then when I am at his finger tips, he leaves. 12. I noticed that he comes to me very weak but leaves very strong. 13. I fear that if I am hard with him, that he will stop being friendly. 14. I show some insecurities to him and he can see it through me. 15. He knows I have feelings for him just because he knows me very well. 16. I did change a lot, but not enough to make myself proud. 17. I am stock in some funk feeling and I do not know how to get myself out of it. 18. I fear to let go and feel more pain that I have been feeling. 19. I did not get myself organized yet, and this is a killer for me because I can't function well. 20. I am sad with life right now, and I am not moving in any direction to make it better.
What I think I did and I am doing right: 1. I did my whole D and as a result - I have my house, my car paid off, no bills beside the usual utilities, I have my kids, some investment for retirement (not much). A good alimony payment, child support. 2. My kids are doing somewhat well, they are doing great in school, I am helping my middle kid with his college applications. 3. I changed to a full time job and I am very busy every day. 4. I am looking into my options of my own business as a supplemental income. 5. I go out with friends sometimes, have my girlfriends to gossip about XH. 6. I did not put any weight on, keeping myself kind of fit, still go to the gym. 7. Lots of legal paperwork resolved. 8. Packed a lot of XH stuff and put it all in the garage. 9. Normally do not show myself unhappy to XH. 10. I keep myself looking good.
So, because of the above, I did this last thursday and friday.
XH was supposed to have the kids for the Thanksgiving school break and holiday. He texted me with the times he would pick up the boys and drop them off. I responded that his schedule would not work for me and that he needed to have the kids from X day until Y day.
XH texted me back saying that he did not understand what did not work for me because I know he does not have a place for the kids and can't do overnight.
Then he called saying the same thing and asking me why I am doing this. I told him that after over a year, it is really my problem if he can or can't.
He end up coming to my house for the holiday and we had Thanksgiving together.
I kept my cool. Was nice but not too nice. Kept my distance.
Put XH on the cough, did not feel sorry for him.
On the second night, XH came to my room once the kids were sleeping and said that he was just checking if I was OK because I did not say goodnight to him.
Then he start saying that he couldn't sleep because his back and his leg were hurting since he was sleeping in a cough. I said that he could sleep in a bed, that we are adults and I just want to sleep because I was tired.
He start approaching me and I said "stop", I know what is right and what is wrong and this is wrong by me. I told him that I did not want to be with him. That it does not matter to me anymore and that it is more important to respect myself.
In the morning he tried again but I stayed firm in my decision. XH got a little upset I guess, because he start saying things like I was the one that left him and that's why he was in this mess. That he still have feeling for OW.
I just said that I felt sorry that his R is complicated, but I was sure he would find the way to make it work.
Once we went downstairs, we had some arguments. First, because I said that I had enough with his schedule for the kids, that I do not want to work around his traveling schedule any longer. That I had 18 years of it and I had enough.
You won't believe but he said that he is working hard to provide for me and the kids. I just said that he does not provide to me, he pays what the law is demanding from him, that is all.
I also said that I want his stuff out of the house, garage before Christmas. That I want him to decide what he wants to take from the house and be 100% out by the last day of the year.
I said that on Jan 1st I want to start my own life. Then I went further and said that I have decided I want to give myself a chance to start all over again.
That I do not want to be alone, I want someone in my life, I want to go out for dinner, a movie, that I want to love and be loved and I think I can find someone nice to be my crime partner.
I told XH that I understand and respect his decisions and I wish he will be always happy. I told him that I know he is not stupid and that he knew my door was open this whole year but that I decided to let go, that I realized that we are done for life.
I did not get angry, frustrated, unhappy. I did talk to him in a very calm voice, somehow I was very convincing. And then it got harder, XH cried a lot and said that it is being very hard to get away from me. That I think he is very happy and that he just forgot me but it is all the opposite.
I just told him that I was sorry but him, his issues, his life, or whatever related to him is not my problem. That I do not want to know about his life anymore. That it is sad but I need to keep myself real and that he decided to jump out of our M long ago and I just accept it now.
I said to him that I will probably be his friend in the future, but I do not want to be his buddy now, that I need to have him away from me right now.
XH said he needed to leave for about an hour and he would come back. Once he was back, he asked me to talk to him. Then he said that he was sorry he disrespected me like this.
He was crying like there was not tomorrow, and said that I am a fantastic woman, that I am the most beautiful woman he knows, that he is still being a jerk and he regrets so much for all this mess.
And played all his guilt and a lot more.
I just said to him that there was nothing to be sorry for, that I forgave him since long ago when I saw him with another woman, that I am in peace with myself and I understand he needs to follow his new path.
On saturday he came to the house and was extremely nice. He said he will take his stuff out next week. He goes around like he will say at any minute that he wants to be back. But he never says that.
Today, I had a football banquet to attend. XH texted me asking if I had purchase the tickets and I did answer that I purchased to my kid and myself. He then said see you then.
I went, XH was there kind of waiting, I said HI and then walked away to talk with some of the moms. He was all alone, then I got a cup of coffee and a sweet and gave to him, he suddenly got very happy.
I walked away again and went to the auditorium for the awards. XH came in and was looking for me, then he asked if he could sit by me. He was nice, and made sure to keep touching my arm.
As you see, I am taking some decisions and enforcing some boundaries. XH is seeing that things are changing.
But I know what is inside of me and I know the truth, that I am super lost and I do not know how to get myself out of it right now.
Please, you can give me the 2 x 4s or any advice. I came back to the board because it is probably the only place that I can learn enough to get myself strong and health.
