Lets get down to the nuts and bolts of it. I was triggered yesterday by talking about the tension in my relationships related to sex. So I daringly approached Mr M this afternoon to ask him about our sex life. So Mr M tells me, best sex of his life. Tells me he read somewhere recently that couples who have sex once to twice per week, enjoyed a better sex life and relationship outside the bedroom than those who were having it less and those who were having it more. In my head I am thinking is he saying that me wanting it more than twice a week was detrimental to our relationship. So I ask, he says no just that I needed to be able to respect a partner who wasn't willing to have sex more often than they wanted to. In my head i'm like WTF. I was never felt I was disrespectful. If he means being resentful about it, then that's another story. I told him that I took away from our sex life, shame about asking for too much sex, and he told me that it was a silly way to think about it that way. You are who you are. Well what were the takeaways from that conversation.
Absolutely nothing. I am coming to the realisation (after 8 years of not being with him) that he projected onto me his stuff about sex. He shut down conversations about sex when I attempted to find a middle ground. I don't have to feel ashamed, or broken or inadequate because of his inability to discuss it openly and honor of me and my feelings.
I don't know what any of the above means to your sitch and your feelings U. I can't imagine how hard it is to feel in complete darkness about why STBX was willing to have sex with someone other than you. What my humble opinion is about Mr M. He used sex as means to control the relationship. Emotionally I had it all over him, he was more committed than he had ever been, he felt pressure to spend time with me , sex was the one thing he could control when he was feeling out of control in every other aspect of our relationship. It was never about how often I wanted sex. It was about him being able to determine how and when he wanted to give it.
