onward - 13

[u-turn]

Well-I'd have to agree with you on being in a sh*tty place, but I will persevere - what choice do I have - right?

are you sure you don't know me?? - the whole MacGyver and Indiana Jones thing - hilarious and so me. It is how I feel and have felt for a long time - (also a NEED to be a hero to my kids and others).

The next part taps into my big insecurities - so I'll throw it out here - why not. I do feel like I have the qualities that you talk about (and those things seemed to no longer matter to the one that flew the coop) - but my fears are that this is all because of the last part (lots of fun & good sex). I question myself about these things - and while I'm at it - is this why she left? (and I don't mean left the house, I mean left our marriage) [[big question - and I'll be blunt - I was one to want lots of sex, always had to be the one to initiate it, and was pushed away the majority of the time - sometimes for several months at a time - I felt rejected very often and my resentment appeared often too. It was getting better (much better) toward the end - as we got older and more relaxed with each other, when she got into it, she really got into it. But then she leaves to "get on her back" with someone she had only recently met - which turned into countless meetings and on and on (that I know about). So the fun and sex part actually makes me nervous, meaning - IS THAT WHY SHE LEFT?

I don't know if I will ever know. (and don't really know why I'm bringing this up as there really is no answer to this - or at least only one person can answer that).

I do know that I am in danger of being taken advantage of. I sense that. For some reason there is part of me (and the part that's acting right now) that just wants to push through - if I'm not going to get any help, screw it - I still need all of this to happen, so I will chip away at the mountain. If some day she offers to help, I guess I would expect it - but I will not beg. (am I protecting her yet? - I don't know - maybe)(am I trying to prove myself as an independent man that can handle anything? - maybe)(am I just running around trying to put out forest fires with an eyedropper full of water? - probably)

-Thank you so much for your kind words though - they certainly help.

Christmas in the south sounds so good - if only. I certainly don't need the snow - and would love to put a face with all of this kindness that you send me.

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so how about this for tonight's musical selection. (I play music in my classes - and reach far to try to move the kids a little) Today - as they were all a little groggy after the long holiday weekend so I went with all ska - all day. Can't be sad and tired with some cool ska.

I carried this through the evening and into the night (kids even liked it).

other selections:
a line from a Bruce Springsteen song made me listen to him this weekend - usually from the darker albums. But this time Atlantic City and the line "I've got debts no honest man can pay" (a little dramatic, but hey - why not ) made me think that I should do a favor for someone that can help get me out of this mess -- psshhhh.

I love songs that tell stories - ever listen to Tom Waits? (love his style) - I can get lost in his stories.

And to calm way down - Wynton Marsalis, Sonny Rollins, charles mingus.

I also love (sometimes tolerate) listening to the kids music of the day - we all share what we've discovered.
(by the way - Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell - that's awesome stuff - thanks for reminding me of that how about joan armatrading?)

Well - enough for now - I'll try some more tomorrow.

Arohanui -