Keep in mind that it's also her responsibility to communicate her needs to you if hers aren't getting met. I'm fully in agreement about how the demands of life can do that to a relationship, but both spouses are caretakers and both spouses are supposed to hold themselves as well as each other accountable.
Thanks for the input. Yes I agree that both spouses need to be accountable for communicating their needs. W and I did not/do not have the skills to do so yet. This is definitely one area that I will work to improve upon for my benefit in the future R with her or anyone else, not just in a spouses to spouse R either but with anyone I interact with. We have both contributed to the sich we are in now, it just seems like she is a bit further along in detachment than I am. I believe she has had quite awhile to mourn/grieve the MR and I have had just the last two months. So far she seems almost relieved to be staying with MIL and not having the daily responsibilities of the kids/home. Kinda chaps my ass when I really think about it. I'm not sure she is feeling any loss so far.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I'm feeling good tonight, attacked cleaning the master bathroom with extreme prejudice! Purged most of her stuff out of there because it is an extension of the MBR. I really agree with the message it sends WW that they are not welcome in the MBR. Up until BD our MBR door was always open, now I make it a point to close the door behind me every time. In addition to painting the room I also removed all of her personal effects, put them in spare room and rearranged the furniture in there. She doesn't like the green but I do so . We have been in this house for nearly 8 years and never hung a single picture or knic -knack or anything at all decorative. Not sure why, she just always seems too indecisive or noncommittal to pick something and go with it. Anyway, I took the initiative and the liberty to go ahead and do some decorating of my own throughout the house. I'm sure it is a travesty to anyone who knows better but I don't care, I like it. Plus it gives her something to b;tch about when she's here. I might enjoy that part😏
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I hear you. She will feel it eventually. She might feel it now but is good at hiding it. WAS check out long before they leave so they already know what's coming and have already started adapting internally.
Use this as a time for you to really hone the Mr. Mom skills and be there for your kids. They are 11 and 7 so will not only remember what you both do now for the rest of their lives, the love and support you give them will make a major impact on how they move forward in life. Make sure you knock it out of the park for them. You are the most important person in their life right now because you did not leave. You are there. I think that's pretty awesome of you.
I must be picking up on the S Cubscouts. Their motto is "Do your best!" That is really all anyone can do, right? I do feel like sh;t sometimes about having to treat W this way but then again she wasn't to worried about how she was treating me. We always have been so close and open with each other it is hard to imagine treating her like a friendly neighbor. Regardless of our "grown up " problems, I will not compromise the quality of the kids' lives as far as what I can control. They deserve better and so do I!
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
One thing I am looking for advice on is splitting time with the kids. I want to keep them in our home for stability and also don't want to deny W her time with them. So I proposed that W and I switch off weeks at the house as opposed to uprooting the kids every other week. My conflict lies in the fact that I don't want to let her cake eat by having the house to herself while disrespecting our family. If anyone has any input on this it would be appreciated.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Just how long do you think you could hold out living that way? It gets old very fast! And as for cake eating, I'd say that's the epitome of cake eating. You will never know where to draw the lines.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do want to keep the kids as stable as possible but I think that having her deal with running them back and forth will create more inconvenience for her and could cause another sense of loss. She would have to drive at least two hours more per day to pull it off. Nobody wants to deal with that. It just feels kinda manipulative to put the kids in that position.
I know that they would adapt and probably wouldn't mind it too much because they would be at grammas house after all. They get away with murder over there. It would put them in the car a lot though. I will have to keep thinking about this one for a while. I guess right now I am practicing "firm love" not quite up to the "tough love" yet.
What makes people do this? I realize that there is something broken within them but it seems like they would rather go through it with someone they have been with and trusted for all these years. Instead of introducing new problems. Just complicating an already complicated situation.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
2, you would be living a nightmare...wife gets all the benefits of marriage and gets two weeks a month away for herself. Would you be taking advantage of that arrangement the same way or would tou be holding out hope she will come around eventually?
You still get to fix the house, cut the grass, have no personal space, all on joint finances, all the while there would be no intimacy or benefit for you (because you will not be able to truely move on from this - i see lots of anger and resentment in your future). Are you a jealous man, what if wife decides to bring someone home to your shared bed when it is her week to keep it warm...you get the drift?
The truth is, that may be the future for you all (permanent separate living spaces) so let everyone start feeling it now. Uprooting yourself every couple of weeks would get miserable and I think in some ways it could be more confusing for the kids because you're not going to live that way the rest of your lives.
