Thank y'all for the input, I agree that we can't work on our relationship as long as she is working on another one. I do however have an issue with the disrespect. By her and by the other people who would potentially be involved with her. Given that she informs them that she is married. There is a good chance that I will never be able to forgive her and I don't want to put the kids through anything like this. But I have my limits.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
"Although we were bringing home more money than ever she was carrying most of the load at home and I was always tired and irritated.
W expressed her concerns in a letter one night and I didn't react to it the way she thought I should. I wasn't angry or disrespectful but just didn't hear it the way she wanted me to."
What do you mean that you didn't "hear it the way she wanted you to"?
"It basically outlined her unhappiness about our situation and my increased drinking and weight gain. I did take it seriously and cut back on the drinking"
How much did you drink before? How much did you "cut back" to?
" and started to exercise more. Over the past two years I have dropped 60 lbs."
While that's admirable, 60lbs in 2 YEARS isn't that much. How much do you weigh now?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My reaction to her letter was more of a non reaction. In other words I didn't break down crying and promising to change. I just began to change quietly and slowly. Maybe too much so. At the time I was drinking at least 8-10 beers everyday now I only drink on weekends and limit it to 4-5. I never was a liquor drinker. At my heaviest I was at 260lbs and now weigh under 200. I feel better than I have in years and run and lift often. I plan to lose 10 more and try to maintain there. I'm a stocky build anyway so if I lost more than that I'm afraid I would look too thin in the wrong places. She has struggled with her weight through the years as well, going up and down regularly. She has been at her smallest for the past three years or so and looks great. She also had a "mommy makeover " cosmetic surgery about three years ago also. Tummy tuck and boob job.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
She seems so indifferent and nonchalant about our sich, almost zero emotion at all. I'm primarily taking care of the kids since I stayed in the house and don't want to uproot them every other week. We have considered switching off staying at the house with the kids every other week to avoid this but I am conflicted as to whether or not I should refuse to leave at all. Our current arrangement has her picking up S at daycare and bringing him home then hanging out here with him and D until she feels like going back to MIL house. What do y'all think?
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Incrementally give more daily responsibilities to the kids (household chores) Continue to run and lift at least twice a week Finish organizing the garage Join a weekly sports activity or a new class at local community college Volunteer at school activities once a month
Two weeks ago on a Friday night when I had the kids at the house and W was doing the softball routine with OM I completely painted the MBR green. She was at the house that day and came back the next morning to find me loading up a pile of old toys and clothes the kids didn't need anymore and that she was saving for a "garage sale " for the last three years in my truck to take to goodwill. While I was carrying stuff to the truck I saw her standing in the doorway of the MBR hands on hips. She came over to watch what I was doing and said she needed to "go through " this stuff. I said well you have about 10 minutes. Then she said I can't believe you painted the MBR and asked when I did it. I said well you were here yesterday and it's done now so.... She didn't interfere with me hauling off the stuff after that. Then she left to play in a softball tournament. I've always wanted a green bedroom.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I realized something this morning at IC, I have been so accustomed to putting others needs ahead of my own that I had lost some of my own identity. We were so "busy" raising kids and careers that we didn't do much to nurture our R. In the process I became a robot of sorts going through the motions without any real growth for myself. I have always considered myself a strong confident person who could handle anything thrown my way but in the meantime I forgot who I was as a man as a father and as a husband. It sometimes feels like I have just been awoken from a four year slumber. Rip Van Winkle style.
To the ladies out there: Grab your man by the scruff of his neck and solidly slap his face and tell him what's on your mind. Us men need that sometimes!
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Really we are just getting started down this path. IC recognizes the fact that my way of providing for my family was contributing to the deterioration of my MR. I never separated my needs from my family's needs and it put a strain on our MR. W and I centered our lives around our children and didn't allow time to be alone together. We ended up living separate lives. Her the single working mother and me the overly determined workaholic. A few weeks before BD I committed to not work weekends at all and to be home earlier everyday. Which fell upon deaf ears as 2ltl2lt. I, like many in this sich, thought I was doing right for the family, when in fact was just pushing her further and further away. It happens so gradually and so quietly it becomes nearly imperceptible. I remain hopeful and attached at this point. Going to have to get past this before I can really reidentify myself. Still too focused on the MR.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I agree that we can't work on our relationship as long as she is working on another one.
You're spot on here. It's impossible to recover the marriage while she's pursuing other people. I worry that she may need to be shown what she stands to lose to snap her out of it. She seems to feel you'll be there either way. She can come home now or she can play around for a while, sow some wild oats, and then come back to you. You have to decide if you're ok with that. If not then go ahead and file. A lot of people think that is not good but filing doesn't mean it's going to happen and a lot of times it snaps a wayward spouse out of their fog. Show her how wonderful of a choice you and your/her family is. Far better than dating especially considering she's using Tinder. Only creeps out there.
