And my apologies for stopping writing for so long. My last post was dated 8/13/15 and since then a lot has happen. A lot, but nothing really changed.
My D was final on 8/5 and I went really down on myself after that. It was indeed the most difficult time of my life.
I made it, still alive and moving. How? As a very strong person at times and a complete mess on some other times.
My XH has since been very present in my life, to the point that on 8/29 we spent a night together at a hotel. We talked a lot about us. Well, stupid me tough it was some progress and stupid me had high hopes, and stupid me saw it as nothing more then a big "nothing".
Then we had some more interactions because the kids, because his traveling, work, etc. Sometime beginning of October I found myself in bed with him again.
Yes, stupid Pink fell for it again and just to break my heart once more. He talk the talk, says a million times that he regret what he did but it is just that. Him feeling sorry for himself.
You think I learned my lesson?... and yes, you are perfect right, I did. Things are changing slowly, too slow for many people around me. But I am finally doing it.
I could be ashamed of how I behaved, but I decided it was the result of so much pain at once. I forgave myself and I am picking up my pieces that were crashed so hard, they are scattered everywhere.
Life is not perfect now, but I am trying to gain some balance.
So where I stand now?
XH's list: 1. I was a complete jerk with you during our M. 2. I did not treat you well and you deserved so much better. 3. I regret so many wrongs I did. 4. By my only choices, I built a life of only unhappiness. 5. I am very lonely. 6. I am broke financially and I do not know if things will improve or get worse next year. 7. You are a beautiful woman and I am an idiot because I lost you. 8. I am not the one that wanted the D, you were out of the M earlier. 9. I know you were having an EA with your boss and I decided to give you freedom to make your life with someone else. 10. I tough I was doing you a favor to D you, and now I see that I was so wrong. 11. I tough you and the kids did not want me around any more. 12. I miss you more then you think. 13. I don't know what to do, I am confused. 14. I do not have any kind of R with OW. 15. OW does not know what she wants either. 16. I am paying for all my sins (he is religious) and that is why I have to suffer so much. 17. My life is a mess and I have no idea of how to get myself out of it. 18. You think that it is easy to just move on but I found out it is being very hard to get away from you. 19. You were the best part of my life and I did not see it before. 20. I love my kids and want to be there for them.
Here is what XH does: 1. He sends me a schedule for his time with the kids every 1st of the month and it is according to his traveling schedule. 2. He picks up the kids, take them to eat out somewhere and then drop them off. 3. Sometimes he takes them to the movies or to the park to play some ball, it normally takes about 1 to 3 hours and then drop them off again. 4. He insists that he can't have the kids overnight because he still does not have a place to take them. He still lives in a one small room in a couple of old ladies house (one of the ladies works in the same company as he works). 5. He said that he would be glad to cook a meal at my house sometimes during the week to help me out with the kids. 6. He asked me in a joke way, if I would accept if he comes to live in the basement. XH proposed to pay the same rent he pays at his place and that he would help more and be around the kids more often. 7. XH does not get involved in any responsibilities with the kids, even when I ask for his help. 8. School work, college application, guitar classes, meetings, football meetings, doctors, dentist, driving lessons, well, anything that must be done to keep life moving, he is not there, total absence. 9. XH still cries, not so frequently as before, but most of the time. 10. XH is still on light drugs (well, we live in Colorado) 11. XH has part of his stuff in my garage yet. 12. XH comes to the house like it is his, but keep saying it is not his house anymore. 13. XH always mention that he needs to work hard to provide for me and the kids. 14. XH is always trying to impress me, even sometimes calls my attention to how he lost weight and is eating properly, is trying to talk less and listen more, is not so selfish as he used to be. 15. XH can't stop saying what a great person I am.
Yes, if you know me you know I will say it: WHAT THE HELL????
I need to go now and my next chapter will be to list what is my play in all this, and I worn you, it is not all pretty. Have been learning a lot and from many mistakes.
Love you all and will finish my update later today.
