Onwards and upwards.

[Sotto]

Hey Barry, I'm sorry you're struggling with things. What has happened to us is one of the most painful things that can happen in life and it does take a while to recover. Like many of us, you're not there yet. But I would put the emphasis on the 'yet' and encourage you to explore that it is within your gift to recover and enjoy the many beautiful gifts life has to offer. After all, what is the alternative? Feeling angry and sorry for ourselves, bitter in the longer term....none of these sound particilarly appealing.

I recently read Viktor Frankl (Man's search for Meaning...`(I think)) He wrote about his experiences as a prisoner/doctor in concentration camps. He distilled from this something that has stayed with me - We don't get to choose what happens to us - in prison camp pretty much everything was stripped away from people - but we do get to choose how we respond.

So, while it may be sometimes hard to do this - recovery or otherwise from what has happened - truly that is within your gift. We are none of us helpless in the face of this ordeal - this tough hand of cards we have been played.

I'm going to suggest some things you may find helpful...

Attend a divorce recovery workshop. I'm also in the UK and just finishing one off. Have a look on their website to see if there's a local group (best) or a weekend workshop (there's a social scene that comes with this too.) Cost: £60.

Read Growing through Divorce by Jim Smoke. It links pretty closely to the DRW, but of course you don't get the social element...but well worth the £3 from Amazon.

Have a look at the talk on happiness by Shawn Achor on TED and try his happiness plan for a month - it's a combination of gratitude, meditation, exercise, helping others and journaling. He's also written a book on this, which I haven't read.

I'm not a medic, and would encourage you to see your GP about managing your depression, and possible medication. If you adamantly don't want to be on anti-depressants, maybe consider St John's wort and regular exercise to manage this.

Read NMMNG and consider joining a NMMNG group...

Reach out to your D on a regular basis and accept she is still coming to terms with what has happened in her life. Please don't presume she is being poisoned by your ex. Kust know that everyone is doing their best to heal from a difficult time.

Start to think about forgiveness. Try to think less in terms of what your ex has done 'to you' and more in terms of what she has 'done for herself.' She became unhappy for whatever reason and took steps to change her life. You were unfortunately the closest person around and have been impacted by this. However, this too can be forgiven.

Really start thinking about your own growth - spiritual, social, financial, hobbies, home, family, learning, work.....given all that has happened, what would you like to do in these areas now my friend? Try and see the 'freeing' aspects of D, and that (whilst unasked for) you have more freedom to make decisions about your own life.

You'll notice I haven't suggested dating. I think you have more healing to do before you consider this. However, I truly don't think you should say that DBing (to save yourself) hasn't worked for you....though it's fair to say you're not fully healed yet.

Please stick with us and journal and post - rejoin the community while you heal further. This isn't the end of the road for you my friend and there are many joys still to experience in life.

Take care xx