Onwards and upwards.

[Barry]

Hi guys,

I can't bust my divorce, it's completed. I really need to talk though and its better that I come here.
To any newcomers about to read this, it's really up to you if you continue, but know that for me, this process didn't work.
I don't think anything would have done, mine was one of the cases where there is no happy ending.
That's not to say that the process won't work for you though.

Divorce busting was supposed to be about saving myself first and then my marriage if that were possible. I tried so hard to stay the course and stick to the plan and although I fell down a couple of times, it was going ok. No matter what I did though, XW was never going to change her mind and see the good in me again. I hope you all have better luck with you're partners, and the process.

I just want to tell someone, anyone, that I didn't save myself, and actually - I'm not well. I've been on anti-depressants for most of this year but tailed it off a couple of months ago and haven't taken any at all in the last 2 weeks. I can't take them any more. They're all very well in stopping the bad emotions but I've found that any simple happy moments don't have the same effect on me any more - it's like they stopped ALL emotion. Obviously I'm aware that in stopping taking them, there will be a period of adjustment.

I don't feel any better now than I did 6 months ago though. My ex now has her own house (D16 lives with her but I hardly see her now - not because I don't make myself available either). XW has poisened D16 against me. I know this because on the rare occasions I do see her, she acts and talks just like XW. She doesn't see the boys either. They don't bother with her and she doesn't bother with them. I stay out of it.

I'm more aware than ever before how much of a co-dependant relationship I had with my XW. That's why it still hurts so much. Yes Yes, detach...I know. If it were that simple, I'd have done it already. GAL, difficult when you don't have a penny to your name.
The fact is, that all of this has changed the way I see the world. I used to be able to see the good much more - sadly, that's not the case anymore.

I don't trust anyone now...especially women. How can I??
I know I shouldn't judge them all the same, but God, you think you know someone when you've been together for 22 years and then they do this to you. How can I trust anyone now.
I never did anything to hurt my XW, all I ever did do was love her and want us to be together. She decided that she didn't fancy being married any more so wrecked mine and my kids lives to save herself....from nothing!

I was raised in a generation where the advice was to "work hard to be happy and get on in life". All i've ever done is work for my family, and the minute XW gets a job, I'm surplus to requirements. I feel used, betrayed, lonely, bitter and unloved.

I know everyone would say the same thing (it's why we married our partners in the first place!) but she was such a good person before all this happened. Ok, she had her faults, as did I. I always overlooked hers, I had no idea she was piling all of mine on the scale.
I slept soundly at night knowing that there was at least one person drawing breath who wouldn't hurt me come hell or high water. I was so wrong, and I don't know how to cope with the loss. This divorce has left me financially crippled and emotionally scarred and I can't find a way out of it.

S19 had spinal surgery a week ago (total success), which XW attended with me. We ended up spending 12 hours solid with each other, the most amount of time in probably 5 years. We did get on, but because I still love her, I found it difficult to hold everything in check. I did say that I wanted to be friendly (although not friends), and that that would be easier only up to the point where she meets someone else. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with that - at a guess, not well.

I just can't get over the fact that she did this to me at all. She wanted to give up purely because she's still in her thirties and to her, that means there's time to find someone else. I've never felt more worthless than I have this year. All those good times we had, all those special moments - tossed away like they meant nothing. I invested over 20 years into my family for someone to wreck it all.

I think it's fair to say that most people would do anything to defend their family / loved ones from all harm. I always thought that the problem would come from the outside though, I had no idea that the enemy would be within.

To sum things up, I've lost my place in the world - well, the only one I ever cared about. My family has been split up, and all because of her. None of us deserved that.