What a sweet post to write Sotto, thank you very much. I always value your input on here as well.
I've been digesting everything from our conversation yesterday all day today and seeing if I can glean out any more gems to work on.
One of the areas of my M was frustrating and is continuing to be so here is the idea of "intimacy". At our meeting yesterday my W said that I was still "not showing up" and being real with her, that I was holding back my feelings and not sharing everything - again reminding me that there's no intimacy without it.
She was correct about that from post BD, I don't feel like she has the right have full access to my emotional life now, especially as the catalyst for the vast majority of the upset. Call me old school.
When we were together though I would share things, however, I felt like her gauge on "intimacy" meant that I had to come home and have a full blown meltdown in front of her for it to be counted as "intimate."
Granted, I wasn't being honest about my struggles, but some days I was just happy and would say, "Today was an amazing day, XY and Z happened." I'd say this because I actually was happy.
Her relationship with her mother was one where all they would talk about was the deepest of subjects, nothing ever about the news or world events, just death and spirituality. She also works at drug rehabs and would have interactions all day long with people who were at rock bottom and having breakdowns constantly. I was never sure if this warped her view of the general populous (me), that could actually get through a day and not feel the need for crying.
Maybe I should have broken all DB rules this year and called her EVERY SINGLE DAY that I cried for the last nine straight months. We may be happy reconciled if I had!
Just more to ponder. I think being intimate just means being really honest, no matter if what you're speaking about is going to make you laugh, cry, or get upset. I'm not going to manufacture emotions but have cried a number of times this year speaking to people about subjects that weren't related to this marital explosion.
Back to football...
Lovely PP,
I had to laugh at myself reading some of this post about your W working in drug rehab. You are right working in human services where you are constantly accessing or being exposed to other people's emotions on a daily basis normalizes the experience and I found for myself that I expect others to be able to access and described emotions just as easily.
I work in Child Protection and I can go days at time talking about children who are exploring sexually with each other - note some sexualized play is appropriate. So I can talk about body parts by all their names and nick names, and talk about who touched who, what where, for days at time. I have to catch myself with parents, teachers, my family , friends who are not in social services when they look like I am swearing at them, when I talk about these things. Normal in my world, not so normal in others.
My relationship with my mum is very similar to what you describe between W and her mum. My mum's became a catholic at 39, and then when my parents separated and my mother no longer felt welcomed in the church, she became a new agists/spiritualist. My mum and talk about everything, nothing is off limits. My ex's didn't get it either. Family of origin communication styles.
I found with both of my partners, who initially by gender and then by personality were not men who accessed emotions easily. I felt regularly shut down emotionally by their, at times unwillingness or inability or lack of ease to share emotions, or indeed even need, meant that I felt unable to share mine openly. Note - lots of my own FOO issues here too!
I have learned too though PP, that I expected others to convert to my emotional communication style, where feelings reign. This is a selfish expectation. There needs to be a mutual agreement and understanding of how feelings are communicated and how intimacy is defined. Being with someone is about creating and negotiating the nuances of how intimacy gets created. W has a responsibility to meet your way of creating intimacy too. It's not her way or no way. It's our way. Each of you leaning in at times and leaning out.
I get that W is expecting you to show you can create intimacy her way, the long term position is can she create intimacy your way too? What does intimacy look like, feel like to you? What does wife do to allow you to feel intimate?
I agree with Zues on this one. D means the W doesn't get to have the level of intimacy she feels she wants. The Win here is that she wants it.
