I almost always had desire for my W. The fact that she was my W, mother of my children, heart of my family...it made her more desirable than any woman in the world.
Still, I understand that feelings lead to perception. When she'd reject me or neglect me it would hurt, and after enough pain sometimes she wouldn't look as beautiful. And of course physically she did the stereotypical SAHM letting herself go and wearing baggy pajamas around the house and getting pretty run down. Yes, there were times I felt put off and a bit guilty for not being more attracted to her or more understanding of how much she had on her plate.
Funny, for me the biggest turn on would be able to be myself, have my W understand what was in my heart, embrace it, and love me and fulfill me. I wanted to be able to share my fantasies with my W and talk about what turned me on. Or flirt with her in sexual ways throughout the day. And so on. She always shut this down...or she'd play along but resent it, and later tell me that this was proof we weren't right for each other. But I don't think there was ever a time she couldn't have revved my engine.
Why couldn't she stand the sight of me? It's probably a tragedy waiting to be written (or one that has been 10,000 times). I understand that the same way she looked less desirable to me when she rejected me, that's how I'd look less desirable to her when I pressured her. She wouldn't feel safe, and she felt diminished, like if I loved her for who she really was I wouldn't ask for anything she didn't want to lovingly provide. This lead to a brutal cycle. I know my part was destructive. I pressured in many ways to get what I wanted. I found myself thinking the same way that people do to justify an affair- I deserved it, it was only fair, etc. I now know this is wrong. I also know it is nearly impossible to exist in a sexless marriage with a woman that neglects your needs and diminishes your cries of anguish. I think I'd do better if I could do it all over again, but sometimes I think back to the horror and how impossible it seemed and I still don't know. That's why I don't feel I'm ready for an R yet at times.
Anyway, I'm going to try to think of other ways to hijack your thread. Catch you later!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
