Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[PigPen]

What a sweet post to write Sotto, thank you very much. I always value your input on here as well.

I've been digesting everything from our conversation yesterday all day today and seeing if I can glean out any more gems to work on.

One of the areas of my M was frustrating and is continuing to be so here is the idea of "intimacy". At our meeting yesterday my W said that I was still "not showing up" and being real with her, that I was holding back my feelings and not sharing everything - again reminding me that there's no intimacy without it.

She was correct about that from post BD, I don't feel like she has the right have full access to my emotional life now, especially as the catalyst for the vast majority of the upset. Call me old school.

When we were together though I would share things, however, I felt like her gauge on "intimacy" meant that I had to come home and have a full blown meltdown in front of her for it to be counted as "intimate."

Granted, I wasn't being honest about my struggles, but some days I was just happy and would say, "Today was an amazing day, XY and Z happened." I'd say this because I actually was happy.

Her relationship with her mother was one where all they would talk about was the deepest of subjects, nothing ever about the news or world events, just death and spirituality. She also works at drug rehabs and would have interactions all day long with people who were at rock bottom and having breakdowns constantly. I was never sure if this warped her view of the general populous (me), that could actually get through a day and not feel the need for crying.

Maybe I should have broken all DB rules this year and called her EVERY SINGLE DAY that I cried for the last nine straight months. We may be happy reconciled if I had!

Just more to ponder. I think being intimate just means being really honest, no matter if what you're speaking about is going to make you laugh, cry, or get upset. I'm not going to manufacture emotions but have cried a number of times this year speaking to people about subjects that weren't related to this marital explosion.

Back to football...