Been over a month since I've updated. I think I'm struggling to figure out where/if I fit in on these boards. So I'll just think out loud a bit here in case anyone is listening!
It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.
But the Newcomers board is mostly folks who are well, new. Or actively DB'ing. I'm not really there either anymore.
I've accepted that this D is happening (we are negotiating our settlement at the moment), and don't feel as scared as I once did. I'm also realizing I'm a pretty awesome person and mom, even though I'm far from perfect and still have a lot of work to do on myself.
And I don't want him back, but I can't bring myself to say I want to be D either. Being a single mom is hard. I miss his family and feel so betrayed by them as well. I care about what is going on with his gf WAYYYYY more than I should. And I still have a lot of anger. But every time I imagine telling him how I feel, it just sounds so pathetic and lame.
This time of year is particularly hard. The BD was end of October, our anniversary a week after that. And then holiday season. So much family time shoved in my face. My own family is not particularly a source of joy for me.
I feel a bit adrift. My single friends from before my marriage moved on to other friendships while I was married/having a kid/in crisis. The acquaintances I made through my H are not in my life anymore. My married friends are understandably busy with their own families. And even many of the single mom friends I've made are now dating someone. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not ready to date-- and afraid of dating just so I won't feel lonely. That's what got me into this situation in the first place.
This holiday weekend was such a mixed bag. Had a wonderful couple of days with my D, caught up with a friend, spent some great time outside in nature. But was also really, really sad at times.
I'm trying to be kind to myself while keeping an eye on it to make sure I'm not heading down a dark path... Thanks for listening. I'm so thankful for this community.
