Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Kudos to you Pinn for continuing your interests after BD! It's tough to keep those things going that we've shared with our spouses.

Anyway, yesterday, I had a DB coach session and it just allowed my mind to fixate on my H and our situation yesterday. Not in a totally sad/negative way, but he just got into my brain and stayed there ALL DAY.. and he's still here!

With my SIL in town, it just brings up my relationship with my in-laws. I have no idea what H has told them or continues to tell them. It's just sad because I am a very family oriented person and for some reason I feel very strongly about wanting to let them know that this isn't my decision. I have no desire to actually reach out, but it's more of self-righteous feeling because I think they have a different perspective than what's actually going on. In the beginning, H wanted us to talk to my parents to tell them we have made the mutual decision to split. I, of course, did not go along with that because it wasn't accurate.

When it came to his family, when H told them his vresion of our separation, the first thing my FIL said was, are your finances protected? H had the nerve to tell me this... I get it, his F is trying to look out after his S, but he is selfish and greedy, manipulative, and he was an abusive alcoholic to my H when he was younger. (my H is dealing with childhood/ father issues right now as part of his current state). Anyway, it was just so insulting to me because it's like, Don't they even know me? Don't they know that I'm a good person who loves their son unconditionally and am doing everything possible to work on our M? I have been a lovely DIL and put up with their games with sheer grace... and this is what I get? I don't even know if they asked or cared-how's Feyth doing with all of this?

Then there's my SIL... I tried reaching out to her and she didn't think it was a good idea to speak with me. It's just sad to reach out and get rejected even though she was making it clear she didn't feel it was appropriate since my H is her brother.

I don't know what they know, but it just makes me feel not good about myself or any future with him/them. I've been pretty quiet about my sitch with my family as I would never bad mouth my H even in our worst of times. If he ever decides to reconcile, I don't want to be an issue ... and my family hasn't said a negative word about him either.

I dont know if anyone is telling him to move on, he's better for it Or stick it out. In the beginning, he had one friend who was encouraging him to work on it, and H replied, "i'm just not the type of person who should be married." Then his aunt (they've fallen in and out grace with eachother) told him to be careful because their family has a tendency to throw people away. H never shared his comments on what he said in reply to that.

Anyway, those thoughts had me up all night last night... just circling around the dynamic... feeling snubbed that I haven't had the opportunity to share "my side". I just want to say, I'm working on this people. I own my behaviors in the marriage and am actively working on improving them and haven't lost sight of wanting to be married to H but Im not the one who left... I'm not the one who's given up. Ack- just have to STFU... can't worry about them or their perception of me. I just have to keep being the best person I can be and not let outside influences affect me.

That's it for now. Wanted to get it out of my head so maybe I can focus on more productive things like laundry and vacuuming.