Everyone here shared their we'll be better thoughts. It's natural and sadly, pointless at best. Here's the thing, she says she wants to work on things but if she means it, she means it like most people say they want to get in shape as a new years resolution. Sure, it would be nice, but you gotta diet, go to the gym and the couch looks so comfy. Your old marriage is the couch. She treated you how she liked and then got to cheat on you when she wanted to get a little boost. So, you can't motivate her to get up. You have to get up so the couch isn't comfy. It's going to take a while man. Don't bother rationalizing. She's not rational. When she talks you validate. That will make here talk more. And that [censored]. Because she'll tell you what a bad husband you were. And then you'll validate more. Do your 180s. Gal. Then she'll be angry, depressed, angry etc then maybe cone around. You're not going straight to blackberry here. You can't buy it either, but you can earn it. Happy thanksgiving.
you are an ABSOLUTE gem. We should make ALL your responses required reading for all the newbies. It is so hard being a newbie, but once things start settling down, wonderful new horizons emerge...
Just got caught up on your sitch. You and I probably have ears that are shaped the same way, so you've got a kindred spirit on here.
Look at this journey the same way you look at the mat. For the first year, you just got your ass handed to you, then one magical day you tapped the new guy and realized how much progress you made. This journey is going to be no different. You don't know what you don't know till you're far down the road so keep showing up.
This is going to be an awful, gut wrenching, heart crushing journey, but you're on it so make the best of what you've got going on. Just like the mat, watch and learn. Try new moves, if they get you subbed, try a different one. There's no failure here, only learning.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Yes it is gut wrenching and brutal and a real test of my abilities. I'm only happy on the mat it's the only place I dont feel the sh8t of this reality. I opened the academy for open mat, as usual and she was saying she needs space. So OK fine, then why did she. Ome train jiu jitsu? Lol I'm annoyed and aggravated and growing to be unaccepting of her bs, her lack of understanding of what she did. Maybe she does understand but I don't know she doesn't say. I feel like staying at the Academy at least it feels like a home
So my wife and I are texting this morning, and how she feels worse everday knowing how hurt i am and such. Anyways, she sends me this: "It was an isolated incident. I am not looking for something else nor was I. I made a bad mistake and I am paying the consequence, but it [censored]. I want to make it better but you don't need to be better. You are better, stop trying to be better. Stop putting so much pressure on both of us. I need you to be confident in yourself. I need you to know that you are perfectly fine just the way you are. Whatever improvements you think you need should be for your own sake, not mine. Quiet confidence, not cockiness, that's a great turn on. I am full of contradictions, that's who I am. I need you when I feel lousy sometimes, and sometimes I need room to breath. I need to conquer things on my own and I need you to help me sometimes. I need adventure and I need routine. I need family and I need friends. I need to be home but I need to explore the world. I never did I guess. I need good times together and I need good times apart and that doesn't mean or say anything about us or you. Can you understand that?"
I see some of it as good, but I also see basically "I only want you when I want you" is it me? Someone please let me know if I'm just reading into this.
She said to me I feel horrible about what I did to you. I said what did you think I was going to feeL? How did you this was going be good for us? WTF did you expect me to just say .. oh no worries.. I get it. I asked her "are you upset you got caught or upset that it happened" she said that it happened. Ugh.. wtf how did I get into this situataion LOL.. I'm telling you I'd rather get run over by a car, beat up by 20 guys with bats THAN THIS SH*T
My W doesn't understand what I'm going through, especially with the holidays here. LOL Again, they don't know what they did! She thinks I should be over it or just super improved i'm like it's been 3 weeks confirmed, and since sept 28th that I've found out. And in that time she said no no no no then yes.. LOL I'm a Christmas junkie and trying to find it in me to just get my spirit going.. but man it's tough! I want to, I want to just say f8k it! But I keep getting these flashing images and she says "you're making all this stuff you think it was up in your head." I said "well wtf I don't know why or what! All I have is what's bouncing around in my head! LOL"
My W doesn't understand what I'm going through, especially with the holidays here. LOL Again, they don't know what they did! She thinks I should be over it or just super improved i'm like it's been 3 weeks confirmed, and since sept 28th that I've found out. And in that time she said no no no no then yes.. LOL I'm a Christmas junkie and trying to find it in me to just get my spirit going.. but man it's tough! I want to, I want to just say f8k it! But I keep getting these flashing images and she says "you're making all this stuff you think it was up in your head." I said "well wtf I don't know why or what! All I have is what's bouncing around in my head! LOL"
Hey ktfo - Id recommend watching the TED talk by Esther Perel about infidelity. I think you could get a lot out of it.
I will. You know my wife and I are texting back and forth today, and again she's like when are you going to improve? I'm like it takes time you did the most devastating thing you can in a marriage it takes time. I mean try being me! WTF Anyways, I say look we have the opportunity to build a better us, we can take this shitty situation and make us better in the end! it's exciting that we can take us an make us better..plus a bunch of other positive things. I said lets do stuff for us, be selfish for us.. go bowling, go for walks, goto a museum..
She responds with "well I think you want fireworks. You want it to be lovey dovey" I'm like WTF are you talking about? I said, make us better! go bowling goto a movie, go for a walk build US, an where the F*K did I say lovey dovey? So now I'm just pissed off! I want to tell her well maybe if we opened up to each other more and were lovey f*king dovey you wouldn't have strayed! Made that 1x mistake or wtfever you want to call it.
I'm trying to heal, trying to get better, as I said to her simple things trip me up and smack me in the face an get the mind going and racing. I want to get through this and get better and get US better.. but she immiediately reads into things and says you're putting pressure on me (the counselor I maybe doing it).. I wasn't though. I said if you want us to go back to the way we were then we're wasting our time and this is going to happen again you or me. I'm fighting this fight and then getting this BS.. the worst part, was I was starting to feel better today after our earlier talks, then this. Now I'm like why bother! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. I will goto sleep before I get submitted in jiu jitsu, I'm not willing to tapout. I maybe getting there sooner with her than i ever thought, I want this to work.. but I don't know if she get it.
I'm in the belly of hell, the lowest ever looking for light, I see some light and then bam! Why the hell should I bother, where it's almost as if I say hey lets go out to dinner you and me.. her general response would be "that's too much pressure. you just want sex. you just want to be lovey dovey" hahaha.. I must be crazy as all f*kn hell! lol someone HELP ME! HAHAHA
How encouraging you are! I always appreciate the kind words.