Thanks Sotto - that is actually how I found this forum was by researching MLC- I lurked the MLC forum for months before signing on. I have read so much about MLC and I too think he is a classic case. He is getting very deep into lies and now some deviant behaviors (multiple partners-at same time- this was the cheating on OW with others - and lies and covering up about where he is etc) I am very worried about him. But finding all this out about him has helped me detach. I suffered so deeply for over a year feeling completely rejected. I knew it wasn't just about me from the start -because he virtually abandoned the kids - he rarely sees them - but now I am realizing this has very little to do with me and understanding why he can't face us - he is a "hot mess" as the kids say
I hope you are keeping your trip a secret from everyone in the extended family right now. You don't want it getting back to your WH and him just booking his own trip to the same resort. Your kids are all adults. No one has to report to him about anything. Just don't tell him.
If you've already told them general information do not share what resort so no one can fly down and just show up. Maybe call the resort and ask if you can put a confidential name on the reservation as you are dealing with a stalker and don't want him calling around trying to figure out what resort you are staying at.
Inform the children not to tell.
If this is all disclosed already, perhaps tell the extended family that your resort called you and was having some kind of issue and asked if you would mind being bumped you up to their much nicer sister property down the road 40 miles. Do your research and come up with a name of another nicer more expensive resort and just leave it out there - if he shows up...he'll be paying through the teeth to stay somewhere besides your resort and if he stops by your resort you can instantly have him removed as a non-guest harassing you and your family.
Never underestimate the entitlement of a wayward spouse. He probably won't show up choosing to stay behind and brood the victim to his disinterested family (who are stuck with him).
Have you communicated with him that you are going dark, why and when, if ever, you will speak or see him again? Have you found an intermediary to act as a communication filter between you and your wayward husband? It should be a person committed to protecting you from all drama and impertinent commentary, discussion, upset relating to your wayward husband?
Have you turned off the iCloud monitoring? It's how you discovered the new OW which is terrific information (it confirms that this wasn't about you - but it never really was in the first place and monitoring him just keeps you engaged in craziness). Let someone else access it and read for essential legal information but have them change the password or whatever it takes such that you won't even be tempted or able to access yourself in any weak moment.
Nice creative thinking about Christmas. Being dark and protected is possible with a little work.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Jpeg! I envy your vacation. I am contemplating taking my kids to Jamaica with my income tax check. Either that or try and purchase my own house. Come back and tell us how awe inspiring it was so I choose the trip!
It will be a great chance for you to just spend magical time with you and the 5 kids and I know you will enjoy it.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Hi GB. I haven't told H we are going away. I mentioned the possibility to my MIL because she was talking about what to do for gifts this year. She was very supportive, agreed we all needed the vacation.
I am absolutely positive H would not even consider trying to join us - he doesn't want us - he will more likely be relieved as will his younger OW - it will mean more alone time for them:( Well... Correction..H wants to play the role of loving father (but only on special occasions) he is asking me for gift ideas for the kids and even suggested we go shop together. - last year I would have dropped everything for this and been so elated - this year I am asking myself "why is he asking me""?"
You are correct I haven't turned off the sync on my iPhone. It isn't something that anyone else could monitor - it has also provided me with info on the "under the table" money he is making on the side - he likes to update OW with how much he has made
I really really really really struggle with the no contact - especially now - he is asking what he should buy for presents, memories of when they were little - is S playing hockey etc. I have responded to specific questions about the kids but very minimally and I have not replied to cute texts about happy memories - but that hurts. I want to reply. To me it feels like not replying is closing the door on him.
It wasn't easy to make the decision to go away at Chritmas. My side of the family has some very special important traditions that our kids grew up with and are very important to them. The kids were my first consideration and I only decided to go once ALL 5 agreed they were okay being away for Christmas eve (thats the big one with my family) and Christmas day. At this stage in their young adult lives it was more important for them to be home with friends for New Years Eve so .... Away we go.
Can you trade phones with a sister (so your phone that allows cloud monitoring to see where how much and where he is hiding money which is going to play out for you wonderfully in court when you seek affidavits from the people that paid him) such that you don't read anything about him or relating to him and he can't contact you at all "to go shopping for the kids".
You are "closing the door on a relationship with him" based upon your simply terms - the door will ONLY open (disabuse him of the notion you will ever just be divorced friends with him) if and when he ends his affair(s) and commits to a marital recovery plan. It's his choice.
Right now...by leaving the door a little open you are just continuing to enable the affair and the process of him removing himself from the family. I mean really, a relationship with anyone has to has some benefit to you. What's your payoff for "keeping the door open"? Further, what if repeated what I said before and you believed me "closing the door is actually going to give you the best chance of recovery (personally AND/OR marital)". It will. With the door open slightly still he doesn't have to decide to do anything. He can still maybe sometimes get some of his needs met by you and at other times most of the time met by OW. Nobody is making his choose anything TODAY so why do anything. Going dark will allow you to recovery you whether he opens the door back up to your relationship based upon your boundary or not.
When someone leaves - let them go and don't feel obligated to make leaving easier.
Do it NOW - let him spend the holidays realizing that this is it - OW is his life now and it's all he's got. You know OW is just weak little shallow girl that can't even begin to meet the needs of a entitled wayward husband who's just apparently lost his entire family. Let him feel the entire weight of his non-decision and the natural consequences of his choices because right now - they deserve each other - so let them have at it.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
When I first started reading on here all I wanted to read was that it works!! That you can save your marriage. I wanted to hear the success stories to give me hope. I read a lot about how 1 person CAN save the marriage Now it seems all I can see is how it isn't working I am losing/lost. Hope. I think. Who am I kidding H never wanted to try and work on marriage - he is just waiting for me to give up. What am I clinging to?
Hi Jpeg. I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now and I, like many others, often cycle through those feelings too. I just got out of the shower and glanced at a quote that I have written on the mirror- "hope never disappoints." 3 simple words.... And I'm sure we can ruminate on how hope lets us down sometimes.... But at the end of the day, hope is what keeps is going and moving forward to be the best humans possible. I hope your day starts looking up soon.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
