Well to be honest there were a lot of factors and not entirely selfless either. I too fear STDs (especially since my W contracted one during one of her infidelities)...and that seriously affected our sex life and my desire for her. I too have never had a one night stand and (aside from when I was a teenager) have never really wanted random anonymous anything.
Still, I did flirt with her and talk to her like she was the cutest, most desirable girl in the room. And for me she always was. From the moment we got serious 21 years ago she has always been my first and only choice. But I was never hers it seems...or not for a very long while.
When the going gets tough it's easy to see who's a giver and who's a taker. Your H as well is a fool because I think givers are more mature (I have to build, pay my dues, and accept that no one sane gets everything they want) while takers may be a bit more pragmatic (I'm not happy right now and there's a reason).
We givers end up putting up with too much because of our ideals and our long-term goal; takers end up running away because they don't have much to really give and they are short-term thinkers...they project into the future and think the reality now is the way it will always be. So...run away now!
My kids are in their 20s and trying to get established in good paying jobs, and I am constantly reminding them of what I call the 'opportunity gap': the best opportunities can be obtained if you understand there is a process of hard work and sacrifice/compromise/delayed gratification to get there. I think marriage and family works the same way.
All people are broken in some way. A mature person loves their partner and supports them through that while at the same time not enabling or exploiting their weaknesses. With some there may be a time to cut and run if your life or health is in danger, but most of us have flaws that are merely annoying or hurtful to our spouses and not dangerous.
I would never have D'd my W. But I did finally give tell her over the summer when I discovered another EA / possible PA...I can not move forward in the marriage until you get help with your drinking, lying, and cheating. For some reason I fully expected her to take advantage of the opportunity, straighten up, and fly right...we have great kids, a nice home, good jobs, and I was willing to do whatever was right and healthy and necessary to heal whatever needed it in our R, and give her space to do what she needed to do.
She did go to one AA meeting but said it wasn't for her. She went to IC but refused to talk to me about what she was doing there. For three months she ignored, lied, stonewalled, and manipulated me. Then she left. So I got my answer.
I'm sad to say I was a mess the first week she was gone. I remained crushed the rest of that month. By the following month I had to start accepting the reality of what was happening and get on with life. I had to accept that she had some serious problems (destructive patterns going back to early adolescence) and without dealing with that and committing to the marriage I was just in for more of being cheated on and disrespected.
You started this thread talking about how confused, angry, hopeless you feel. I don't think any marriage is unsavable if the people involved are both sane and committed to honoring the vows. In the end for me that's what this is ultimately about. Some people mean them when they say them, and some are just making noise.
I hated feeling like a quitter. But my IC reminded me that I didn't quit, she did. We all have to accept what we can't control, and lead our kids through this as best we can.
