Lost Hope (5)

[Zues126]

Thanks for the reply Julie.

To clarify one thing...the only reason I told STBX is because my #1 priority was to preserve my M. It felt like an evil witch was trying to cast a spell on me and destroy my marriage. I had been trying to fight it on my own but was struggling. I basically told my W because I needed help in a dark hour. And it was instant. It was like once I confessed the desire went away like a demon that couldn't stand the light of day. Had I been able to handle this on my own it would've been a non-issue like any of the thoughts that flicker through our minds. I felt like I was in the deep end of the pool and starting to gasp for air and I thought of my wife as my life partner that could work through this stuff with me.

I am too idealistic. I know this. Here's how- I am like 25% as idealistic as my father.

My father couldn't hold a marriage. 3 wives that I know of, and without the details let's just say they didn't work. Although he's had a 15 year relationship with his girlfriend now, so I think he's figuring out a few things.

More to the point, I know of many situations in which this kept him from holding a job or a career. For example, he left a good job because the culture wasn't a fit. OK, fair enough. He drove cab for a bit while he looked for other jobs. One thing he learned was that the 'dispatcher' got to pick which cab drivers got the most profitable runs, and he found out that it was common practice for the cab drivers to give a gratuity to the dispatcher in exchange for the airport runs that were the most profitable. My dad considered this bribery and was outraged and refused to participate. As a result he struggled and didn't last long. I could give other examples, but the point is he struggled to be effective because he refused to accept the way things actually were.

I have much of that in me, but I've overcome that in parts of my life for one reason- Pool. See, the plus side to my black/white thinking is that once I fixate on a result then the rest of my universe has to shift and change to accomplish that result. So when I decided to become the greatest pool player that ever lived (although I didn't get that far ) I did whatever was necessary to get there. For example, maybe many of my opponents would do things that were underhanded during competition. I could choose to be idealistic and not compete in an arena where people spoiled the purity of the game...but then I wouldn't hit my goal. My goal was ALL POWERFUL so I just made their poor behavior part of the game I was going to win, then set about developing the mental toughness and perspective to overcome those obstacles. I did this for everything until no one within driving distance wanted to play me for more than coffee money.

So too with my job. Sales isn't easy. The world doesn't work the way I want it to. But I could see that I could either make a story about why I can't do it, or I can deal with it. So once again I realigned my views and narratives, and have climbed to the top (although I'm still battling in the role I took a year ago...but I'll win Julie, rest assured).

But I do struggle with idealism still. And if I don't have an absolute commitment to something it's easy for me to be put off by how things really work.

That's where I stand with relationships right now. See, in my mind I see a husband and a wife acting as a partnership. Suppose for just a minute you could transcend yourself and BE the partnership...understanding each person to the same level. Would it be possible to make the relationship work? I always thought so.

Let's look at my idealism as it pertains to the situation we were discussing. I have a lot of desire and lust. The view above to me seems like 'ok, gross, we women don't want to know about it because we feel we should be able to be your everything and this challenges that fantasy and is hurtful and threatening, so just pretend you don't feel this way and we'll pretend you don't either, because if you really did that would be awful'. But to me this whole pretending feels awful, because I feel like I'm hideously ugly person and that I need to wear a bag over my head and never show my face to anyone, because if I do everyone will run and scream. What accentuates this is that I already feel like I'm ugly for having this much desire, so when my life partner can't stand the sight of me all it did was destroy my connection with her because I felt like she didn't like me, she wanted the person she demanded I pretended to be.

I couldn't accept this. I don't want to feel I have to wear a mask in a relationship to be accepted. I believed I should be able to be honest about my feelings. Why should she be threatened that I felt physical lust or occasional fantasies about other women? She had my lifelong commitment. She had my unwavering loyalty. She would be the only person in the world I shared this with. In fact, she would be the only person in the world I would be intimate with, and I would have no desire to be close with anyone but her because everyone else I had to wear a mask for, but she would accept me for who I was. I had the idea that she would understand me, accept me, and make my needs a priority, being the strong woman behind the strong man, knowing that it wasn't easy to be a man but that we could do it as a team.

Is that possible? I haven't seen it, so maybe it's chasing a unicorn. So I'm torn between one of three things: 1) Finding a relationship that works that way, 2) determining that I want a relationship to work so much I'm willing to sacrifice my ideals of how I believe it should work and don a mask and play make believe with a woman that doesn't really know me, or 3) just give up on relationships because I don't want to play that game and if it doesn't work that way I'm not interested.

Right now I'm leaning towards #3/1. Probably not interested in playing the game, but open if the universe shows me a unicorn. That said I'm sure I'll mature and grow, and maybe in 5-10 years I'll decide that I'd rather be remarried than single. That's possible. But right now I still find it pretty gross and would rather just play pool or poker or chess, where the objective is clear, the rules are fair, and I can have fun and win.