I am so, so sorry for the tough time you are having being the target of your H's behaviour and feelings. I have had to stop reading your such generally as much of your H's behaviour reminds me of mine when I was in the crisis of my mental health breakdown. There are a lot of triggers for me in reading your thread. I am however cheerleading you and your family and sometimes I pop in hoping to read some positive progress.
I think you hit the nail on the head recognising that H is actually communicating. Yip it feels horrible to be scapegoated and blamed ( Brene Brown's definition of blame is " a way to discharge pain and discomfort". Unfortunately H is using you as means to discharge his pain and discomfort. I wonder if for a man who has likely spent most if not all of his life numbing emotions one way or another for one reason or another. His mental health crisis has resulted in him feeling his feelings, his grief his loss, his fear for the first time. Sadly and painfully you are on the end of this. But is his actually feeling something not a good thing?
I have significant shame for treating Mr Ex, I man a loved with all my heart in this way. When I was in it. I had no idea. My Mr Ex was the person I trusted most in the world, loved most in the world. And he was the one I abused most in the world, with my blame and projecting. And I am so sorry I didn't see the impact it was having on him, on his sense of self, his sense of being a partner, a lover, a man. I wore him down. I gradually over time whittled away his love for me.
I am so very sorry for you being the person that is the cost of his emotional recovery. I am sorry that my Mr Ex was the cost of mine.
Sorry to hijack with my stuff. I just wanted to encourage you to find your safe place with your children. If that means walking away then do. I know that for me Mr Ex ending our relationship was the kick in the butt I needed to finally address some issues that I had not been brave enough to face. But also no one life should be sacrificed for another. You are both equally entitled to happiness and a glorious future.
Please drape yourself in an amour of self love when you speak with him. Please buffer yourself with the knowledge that while his words are hurtful and unkind and inconsiderate of your fragile heart and needs, he needs this journey. I do hope he realises soon, and I hope his counsellor is giving him guidance to take responsibility for his feelings and his actions. Because this is the lesson that H needs. He is solely responsible for his own happiness and unhappiness. It was never yours.
And Pho there is something in those words for you. Your H is not responsible for your unhappiness or happiness. Stand in your light and know that today you hold that in your hands.
My heart does ache for your sitch Pho . It really does.
With so much love
JellyBxxx
Jelly, your post has me in tears. Well, maybe not, I woke up in tears, and logged on and read your post and I am still in tears. I am sorry if my posts trigger you, I don't mean to spread the pain. But your words have helped me, so thank you for reaching out even though it hurts.
Last night was the first night in about 2 months that H did not sleep in the bed, he was outside talking to a friend (his friend going through a D with a very nasty custody fight) and he was drinking, and then he didn't sleep with me. Its truly like all of the progress we made in the last couple of months has slipped away. I have a coffee meeting with a new friend of mine today, she is actually a therapist, and she has recently divorced. I am curious to hear her story and tell her mine.
Then grocery shopping, cooking, church. Leaving the kids with H today, although I am sure they won't be "with" him, they will be running the neighborhood with their friends.
I am putting the pieces together. I am beyond sad but I accept that that is where I need to be right now because its a reflection of my reality. But I am trying to find some peace within myself. Music is helping me.
I do believe that him speaking his feelings is a good thing. I will admit that I am not controlling my reactions nearly as well as when he was speaking less, even when he was raging it was easier to keep quiet because that was just rage. But when he is speaking in a calm manner, and it seems more conversational, it is easier to take the bait and then it escalates. I will control my reactions better. I will give him the space and the voice to heal. Maybe if the healing continues while he is away then this can really be a good thing.
I am going to ask him for something he has asked me for. To only deal with one issue at a time. So if he wants to spew something awful, it is that one thing. I will talk to my IC about this too, she keeps telling me to speak up, but I know if I do it will cost me my marriage. I need to ramp up the self care. I am going to "mis speak". I am going to interrupt sometimes, or sound tired or impatient in my words, I am only human. I cannot be afraid to speak. Which I am right now, I am so scared, and even with watching my every word it seems like I still manage to interrupt or use the wrong tone. There is just zero benefit of the doubt or love for me, zero.
And he is leaving in 6 weeks. I still don't want him to go but I do. Thank you Jelly.
