Thank you so much Painter, Huddy, shotgun. As always, I appreciate your kindness in replying to my thread and your sharing your own perspectives. It all helps more than I could say.
Originally Posted By: Painter
This is so new... It must be very hard for you to think about talking to him. I have read your threads and thought about replying before, but felt a little down in the dumps and not encouraging at all.
I would probably have replied with 'What do you want to talk about?"
You can also ask that he e-mails you, so you won't have to deal with the difficult emotions of talking to him, if you don't want to. It can also be helpful in order to keep calm and get to document everything.
ETA: Just realized that I skipped a whole page of posts when I replied...
I think I shall do that.
I'm learning that I like to have a little time to deal with the feelings and think about how best (most dignified and most constructive way) to reply when I'm under pressure.
I'm also thinking that a written record of how things are unfolding might be a good thing for legal reasons, if I ever needed to refer to them at a future point.
Does this make me devious or manipulative? I'm worried that it does and feel a bit down about that.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
My W tried to pull a separation agreement. It was very much in her favour, so I just simply refused to sign it. End of story. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do anymore. Obviously, protect yourself, but if it isn't in your interests, then don't bother.
I notice you also live in chilly Scotland as well - NDY is also up here, so if you need local advice, I guess we could help with that.
I went along to my local Citizen's Advice Bureau on Thursday for the drop in, but the queue was already so long that I think I would have ended up being late for work (for those of you outside the UK, it somewhere that provides free advice).
I felt a bit defeated having to leave again, but on the plus side, at least I know I have to be there really early to be first/early on in the queue (I'm aiming on being there for 45 minutes before it officially opens next time).
For those of you who don't live here, I *think* we have a thing called 'Legal Separation' here in Scotland (Scots law is different from English law). From what I understand, you still remain married in the eyes of the law, and still have the all the obligations that being married carries. Legal separation is more to do with a separating assets, finances and not being responsible for any future debts that your spouse might accrue?
My H's behaviour is so out of control, that I'm worried about where it might lead him and I think that I would like to protect my own interests and assets.
I might be getting this totally wrong (I'm so, so tired at the moment), but I'm going to ask and find out where I stand.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
The tiredness is a bugger to deal with. TBH, I've been in an in house separation since April and I wouldn't recommend it. I see your H has cleared off - trust me, this will be less stressful than if he was around. Remember though, if you pay for your mortgage/rent you don't have to leave the house, even if your H wants you to.
I have an advantage here I think: the house is in my name. My H is/was never interested in dealing with any of the practicalities (read: responsibilities) in life. I've always done all of them for him as well as for myself, including making up invoices for him, reminding him about contracts he hadn't signed, helping him with his tax return...the list is endless. He never got round to adding his name to the title deeds to the house.
I'm enjoying the stillness and peace and quiet here. His behaviour has been so chaotic, so selfish, so disrespectful of me and my own needs that it's a relief not to have to deal with him on an everyday basis any more. It all happened so gradually and over such a long period of time (4 years or so) that I didn't really know how bad it had become until now.
At the moment, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. But hey, yesterday I dragged myself up, got ready (making myself look the very best I could), walked to work, really embraced my day at work and walked home afterwards.
Originally Posted By: shotgun
Hi focus22. I am sure that you are aware of this but these WAS can be very manipulative. I ultimately realized that my wife was trying to orchestrate a divorce that was favorable to her. I was fortunate enough to have a counselor who advised me to talk to an attorney. It cost me $200 but I gained a lot of information that I would otherwise not had. The decision to file for divorce is a separate issue. Make sure that you arm yourself with information. Information about saving your marriage, rebuilding your life, and the process of ending your marriage if it comes to it.
Ah, really great advice...thank you! Yup, information (and therefore hopefully also knowledge and understanding) are all helpful and positive.
Dealing with the manipulation is so exhausting. The truth that these people peddle is so overwhelming, so forceful, that it feels like you're being knocked flat by some huge tidal wave.
Trying very hard to find every single positive that I can in this whole thing (for my own benefit, I mean) and am hanging on to every single one for dear life.
My gut feeling tells me this is going to get a lot worse before it could start to get better. My H is very high energy anyway, always has been, but over the past 4 years it's tipped into a kind of self-perpetuating mania.
He only stopped just over 3 years ago when he completely fell apart and was hospitalised.
OW has only known him for barely 3 years, so she's never known him any other way than he is now and can't see the difference in him (the difference between his previous healthy high energy existence, and this unhealthy, very self destructive high energy existence).
She also can't see how angry he's become, because she didn't know him before. He thinks that life has been unfair to him and that being married to me has stopped him from having been able to do all the things he's always wanted to do. Needless to say, he's lead an incredibly charmed existence, achieving the most incredible professional success (along with my support and help) and has done more than almost everyone in his position.
She's also a lot younger than us *sigh*
I have a feeling I may be rehashing things I've already said a good few times before. I'm sorry.
