Woke up dreaming about her, obsessing about her. Thinking about all the things I have read in the book and on this site I've written to myself. Time to face the facts. W has left you after a long time of lying and cheating. You don't know how long so stop beating yourself up about it. It has happened, you've been trying to live a lie for years. Okay it has helped S grow up to be a lovely boy but you have hurt yourself. You can't stay in this state. Stop playing the victim, don't wallow in self pity and accept that there is much you can't change or know. YOU DON'T KNOW what W is really thinking or feeling at the moment. STOP GUESSING. YOU DON'T KNOW what W is doing all day, if she is busy, sad, whatever. STOP GUESSING if their sex life is amazing, if he treats her well or badly. YOU DON'T KNOW why she does or doesn't answer a text. In conclusion you don't know what goes on in her mind, what her actions mean nor can you change her in anyway. You have to stop giving her life so much space in your head. Accept that there is nothing to be done to bring her back. You can't push or pull her back to you by words, letters and gestures. Accept that there is a strong possibility she never comes back, that your relationship will have to change in the future. Accept that YOU DON'T KNOW and YOU CANT CHANGE HER. So what can you do? You have to look at yourself and be the best you can for yourself and S. You have to continue running,find things to occupy your time. Don't be afraid to ask people to spend time with you. Be sociable and outgoing. Give S your love and guidance but let him be with friends, find his own future with you at his side. Occupy your time reading, working, socialising but don't be afraid of solitude. Don't let negative thoughts back. Don't give into speculation and imagination. Only respond to things which actually happen and are said. Don't cut off ties with W, show her that you have a life away from her and don't worry how she might be reacting. YOU DON'T KNOW until she shows you. Be friendly but don't always initiate, let her show curiosity and interest. Remember you don't want the old relationship back, you want something new and better. If it is doesn't happen then you want to be a better you. Someone who takes life in the best way possible. Be kind,generous and loving. Live each day with interest, enthusiasm and optimism. Be ready for the inner voices to try to drag your life down, accept there will be bad days but don't make your own life worse. Get up and keep fighting for you and S. Remember you don't know, you can't change anyone but yourself.
