I need some advice! She has been spending a lot of time with her mother for the last 6 weekends all day and staying over. I have asked her to do stuff but she seems reluctant. I think it is because her mother is spending money on her and taking her places. Buying her affection? I think my daughter has put the goings on of her mothers relationship with OM out of her mind. She knows about him and dose not like it, but it dose not seem to affect the relationship with her mom. I am concerned about what to do. I would like to have quality time with her instead of just talking to her at the dinner table and when im taking her out for driving lessons in the afternoon. I feel her mother is trying to buy her affections and by doing this in time hope that things with OM will be forgotten or blow over! How do i explain to her i would like more quality time with her in weekends without putting her mum down? I feel her mother is trying to manipulate her.
Very tough situation. My children aren't at this age and I don't pretend to know how difficult it is just yet. I'll take a shot at some advice even if it's not ideal.
I think right now you have to back burner your emotional needs and instead focus on rising above it.
I can imagine that it's hard to see D16 appearing to take WW's side...minimizing her affair or turning a blind eye...being taken in by her spin on the story...maybe even buying in to the spew that WW is saying about you...and being bought off by flash and glitter. That has to be tough. I can imagine the desire to win her to your side, to set the record straight, to defend yourself, and even to enlist her as an ally to help shoot down OM and to distance herself from WW to help demonstrate the consequence of her choices.
But while those are natural desires, those won't help you right now. Anything you do to encourage that will backfire in so many ways. D16 and WW will think you're using D16 as a pawn, WW will justify her opinions of you, and it will push them away farther.
You MUST find other ways to meet your emotional needs, and find other ways to feel validated, so none of this is perceived.
As for D16...it's not about what you want from her. It's about making sure she gets what she needs from you. Right now she doesn't think she needs anything, but you get to show her how a man leads his family through a crisis, and how he handles injustices. Stand tall. Lead with poise. Make the time you have together quality, and let her bloom in the sunlight of your strength.
That time together may be limited right now, and maybe she has fallen under the spell of WW...but this season will change, probably sooner than later. There will be a time when she looks back and sees the walk you walked. You have the rest of your life with your D if you play your cards right, and she will come back to dad for sure, as long as you don't do anything to drive her away for good.
Just my two cents. Sorry you have to deal with this my man.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
