I am hoping I get a job soon.. this will get me out of the house and hopefully some friends. Also went to church for the first since we moved here. And going tomorrow. I do know the next door neighbor.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Should I ask him to meet me for dinner one night? Drinks? Where to go from here?
Doesn't sound to me like inviting him out on a date is the thing to do right now, but that's your call. I wouldn't react in any way to his negative comments...much easier to do if you're not trying to talk about the R yourself.
Perhaps you could get involved with something at church that would help you meet some other women and you could go out to dinner or something for a girls' night (nothing wild!) with them, ask him to watch the kids (since he's been going off for weekends leaving you to hold down the fort).
Sadly, I agree with not asking him out on a date right now. I guess I was thinking it would be part of my 180, as that is a thing I never do and we have not done since we moved here. We really need to reconnect.
Yup, need to find a gorlfriend or two gor a girls night. I am on it!
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
So H came home yesterday from a trip to see his buddies. He was in less than a stellar mood. Normally this would have put me on the defensive, and return his bad mood with bad mood, but I did not let it bother me at all, kept my spirits high and went about what I was doing. He volunteered that he was tired, it was a longer trip than he thought, and was probably not a good idea as he is travelling for work this week, 5 hours away. I said "Hmmmmm--its going to a long week then." He went to take a nap, and was in a better mood when he woke up.
I had made turkey noodle soup for dinner which he declined to have at dinner time , but a few hours later when I was getting out of the shower, he sought me out to tell me my soup was good. He has done this several times in the past few weeks since BD, as he usually gets home after we have all had dinner, but I make him a plate.
I am trying not to get my hopes up, but hope is all I have right now. Like someone mentioned, 8 years ago I was getting ready to walk away myself, I was so hurt and mad at him. I am pretty sure I did not do or say a single kind thing to him. Looking back I am not sure how we made it through. Yes, I do...our kids who would have been 7 and 10 yrs old. Plus I made some changes in myself, and I guess so did he.
I know it happens, but It just surprises me that after 21 years of marriage, hard work and struggles, that someone can just "be done", without even trying. He might think he has, and I am sure he would tell you he has, but I must have missed it. I was pretty caught up in my own anger, and seemingly crappy life. This is what the changes in me are about and I am doing a really good job, if I do say so myself-- Showing him in actions and attitude!!
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I know it happens, but It just surprises me that after 21 years of marriage, hard work and struggles, that someone can just "be done", without even trying. He might think he has, and I am sure he would tell you he has, but I must have missed it. I was pretty caught up in my own anger, and seemingly crappy life.
Mel - heres how I like to think about it: Imagine a lake of water freezing from the bottom up. Over many many years, the lake is slowly freezing wihtout you noticing. Then, one day, the top layer freezes. Its not until this point that you really notice whats going on. But by now, the entire thing is a completely solid block of ice. You arent going to thaw that out with a couple of weeks of "good behavior" and "positive ch
My point is that while it appears sudden to you - you just noticed that the top of the lake froze! - this has been building for a long time within him. Like you said, you didnt notice it, because you were otherwise preoccupied.
So keep on going. Without expectation that he will change anything.
Azzork, I understand and appreciate your analogy. I like it.
I didn't mean to imply that I thought my changes would magically change everything in two weeks, because sadly, I know the lake has been freezing for some time. Like 8 years ago it was the Titanic iceberg that almost sunk our marriage. But it seemed to have thawed, then life threw us a couple more icebergs, and now here we are sinking again. I guess I meant more like- of all the things we have been through together, and have stood by each other, and supported each other. I have been strong through his depression, and unemployment and career moves etc. I thought our marriage was stronger. And I am just sad he doesn't feel like our marriage--or me, is worth working through this. And it appears sudden to me because we just moved here 3 months ago and were so happy and excited to be here. Such a welcome change from where we were. We were selling our house to get rid of debt and start our life anew. We bought me a new car just two months ago, we drove around and looked at houses and talked about the future. Sure there were some stressful moments in there...moving is HARD! But he seemed to be so happy.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
And it appears sudden to me because we just moved here 3 months ago and were so happy and excited to be here. Such a welcome change from where we were. We were selling our house to get rid of debt and start our life anew. We bought me a new car just two months ago, we drove around and looked at houses and talked about the future. Sure there were some stressful moments in there...moving is HARD! But he seemed to be so happy.
My XW and I moved into a new house together after FINALLY leaving a terrible house we had been in almost 10 years. We werent even there 6 months before she dropped the bomb. I had no idea it was coming. I too thought our marriage was strong. But.....here I am. Right?
You mention this:
Originally Posted By: KMP
I have been strong through his depression, and unemployment and career moves etc.
Your perception is that you were a strong wife, a good wife, providing things to meet his needs. How would HE perceive this time? How would HE see this time when he couldnt provide for his family?
My point is not that you were WRONG in what you did or didnt do during the hard times. My point is that your view of it isnt necessarily the ONLY view. And to him, the only view that matters is his.
With that, all you can do is keep working on you and becoming the person only a fool would leave. The more you focus on him, the more energy and time you will waste.
