"Care and Feeding" Instructions NOT Included

[Zoo]

Hi Deb,

I have been trying just as you suggested all weekend. I struggled daily with "stinking thinking" and wanted to ask H so many questions it wasn't even funny. Everytime a question popped into my head I told myself, "hold on a min., think about it...YOU KNOW what his response will be."
Of course, that other dumb voice would try to reason with me though..."BUT if you don't ASK then HOW will you ever know the answer?" I would just literaly bite my tongue then or clench my fists

I still can't get myself to stop asking "what's wrong?" This happens without my brain even engaging, it is so habitual. Yep, H find it very annoying too.

The weekend was...STRANGE. I was up and down and all over the place. I'm not sure, but I may have been trying TOO hard?

Sat. I felt good because I had encouraged H to go do something he really wanted to do rather then staying at home and working on the coop. This was unusual for me because I like to have the weekends for us to do stuff together. I thought/guessed/assumed/felt like H might need a break from me though so I said go do the Army thing.

The downside to this was that I had TOO much time on my hands to THINK. I have become so adept and practised at keeping my brain engaged that I CAN and DO do it while I am doing 20 other things at once. I spent the day working on the coop AND engaging my internal dialogue My parents came over to help me later in the day and my "stinking thinking" gained a voice a time or two and I made comments I probably shouldn't have I smacked myself internally for that.

When H FINALLY got home I did NOT let those thoughts gain any voice at all though. I just asked him how it went and if he had fun. He was worn out and had badly aching feet (was on them for 12 hours) so I knew he wasn't going to be able to work on t he coop anymore. Called it a night, parents left and I rubbed H's feet a little then suggested a nap

We went in to take a nap together and I managed to put H to sleep rather quickly...I think I slept a bit myself but I'm not sure. I know my eyes were suddenly open and I felt AWFUL...kind of like I was going through drug withdrawal? I ended up getting back up and basically staying up until 2 am

H woke up about then and asked me to come back to bed I went in and laid down and we chit-chatted a bit and then (it has been awhile since H woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to do that) and then we both fell back to sleep

Sun everything seemed fine at first H woke me up and was all smiling and teasing with me. He went out to work on the coop some more while I did some stuff in the house. When I got done I went out to help him with the coop and, I don't know...it was like he didn't want to be around me?? We finished the coop up and got the chicks moved in and finished watching the race and then went to the grocery. He left me standing all by myself in the hardware store...just took off and when I would finally catch-up with him he would do it again? H does NOT normally do this. I kept trying to be pbeat thoughout our shopping expedition but I was really getting PO'd. I still kept smiling whenever he looked at me though (I think?) When we left the grocery, I asked him if his feet were wearing him down again and was told yes...so I more or less figured his not-so-great mood was due to that.

We had a couple of tense moments when we got home but H did cuddle up to me on the couch for awhile after I fed him. Strangely enough we watched some sex-talk show on TV that H turned the channel too. I did take the opportunity at this point to talk to H about something that was bothering me. I think I handled it a bit better then i have at other times

As noted elsewhere I have been having a problem with H not seeming to have eye contact with me again. The reason I have a problem with it is because during the "bad" time H told me he didn't WANT to look at me because he wasn't "proud" of himself. When things started getting good H "looked" at me all of the time and didn't avoid eye contact. H seemed to start avoiding looking at me again about a month or so ago...at least that is the way it seemed to me. Of course, when it started to seem prevelant, FLAGS started waving furiously at me

I have previously mentioned this to H. I just straight out asked "WHY aren't you looking at me anymore?" I think H blew me off or tuned me out though...maybe thought I was just "complaining" again? SO last night I said "H, I have something that I find very concerning. It seems to me that you are avoiding having eye contact with me...when I look at you it is like you look immediately away. This causes me to feel that perhaps your avoidance is deliberate." H told me "hon, I look at you all of the time, I'm not avoiding it." I said "then perhaps you are looking at me when I am not looking at you." H said "that is probably what it is." I told him "I would like for you to try to have more eye-contact when I am looking at you then...it would make me feel better and besides, you have beautiful eyes and I like seeing them." H laughed and said OK.

I am not sure if that really worked or not or if it was just interpreted by him the same way and he just placated me? It seemed like he was still avoiding me again today

I don't know whether I am just projecting my own emotions onto things or what? I do know that I have a "sense" of uneasiness. Liek something just isn't quite right but I can't put my finger on it. I am not letting myself make assumptions...I am putting "thought-stopping" to work on that but I do keep having to fight with a sick-in-the-gut feeling.

Ack, this post is probably too long now so I will let it drop I guess. I'm still working on my next care and feeding instruction segment. Perhaps with some input I can apply it toward what happened this weekend?

Hugz,
Zoo