hi zoo - i was so relieved to read your 'what not to do' list - same problems here too. it is so easy to aSSume H is confident and secure, when in actual fact some of our questions and behaviors can set them off, which in turn causes a downward spiral with us too. duh. took me a long time to figure out H is vulnerable too, even if he does not say so.
the best defense i have found is acting as if - nothing was wrong, i was talking to a good friend. i bring in fewer expectations and baggage, and my tone seems to be more loving. H responds nicely, and we move on an upward spiral.
keep going with the good work - it is worth the prize
