Also, since I am journaling here, I noticed something interesting this weekend. FIL hugged me about 3 or 4 times, which is a lot for him, and they were big strong bear hugs, also unusual for him. He also started calling me "honey." And, he bought all the beverages for the party. This was the first year he bought my favorite, (a type of soda I am addicted to) and he made sure to tell me he bought them for me, and sent a case home with me. He was also the one who noticed that I had a terrible uncontrollable tremor in my arms and hands, and "checked" on me a few times, offering me a drink and asking me to sit down and showing concern.
And, finally, bedtime on Thanksgiving. H and I were on the sofa bed, my s's were next to us on another sofa. S12 came over and hugged us, climbed in between and gave us a hug. I said "Happy Thanksgiving, S, I am so thankful for YOU." He said "I am thankful for my family."
I think if I can maintain my emotions, set healthy boundaries so I can move myself out of this awful limbo, things can turn around. At the very least, I think when H comes back from his trip I will be ready to file if he isn't ready to reconcile. I really believe I have done 90% of what I can do for the marriage, just tune up my DB a little and then focus on myself full steam ahead and let life unfold. If I can put in the effort on myself that I have on the R I will be in great shape.
