"Care and Feeding" Instructions NOT Included

[Zoo]

Thank you everyone for the encouragement

Since I misplacedsomewhere in ZOOLAND the "care and feeding" instructions that I had begun to make a list of, I decided to place some of them here. This will give me a tangible reference that I can be pointed to when I might start straying from the path again

I have to remeber that H and my M are like a plant/ that needs to be nurtured, fed, coaxed, rewarded and loved unconditionally. If you do not do these types of things for a plant it turns brown, the root mass turns into a glob and the plan withers and dies. If you do not do this with a pet, that pet will either learn some VERY BAD habits, act dumber then dirt or cower when you walk into the room. I value my H and M far more then my plants and animals and I'm actually mortified that I have neglected thier basic care.

Care and Feeding of Zoo's H/M

What NOT To Do
1. Revert back to Old Behaviours
a. Interrogation/Questions: This has been harder for me to stop doing then I thought it would be. I do this well for awhile then my brain "farts' and I lapse right back into it. I KNOW H hates this and I know what the result will be when I do it too much. H "punishes" me. He becomes distant, uncommunicative and disinterested.
When I REFRAIN from asking too many questions, or the SAME questions over and over again, H "rewards" me. He spends time with me, is talkative, affectionate and interested in my thoughts and feelings.

b. Frown too Much/ Become Pensive and withdrawn: see a above

When I smile and am animated and upbeat...THIS is when H smiles. This is when H is more likely to maintain eye-contact with me or to reach out and grab my hand and tell me ILY.

c. Not Address H's LL of Touch: I think when I don't do this H thinks I am in the process of an over-analyzing frenzy. This is something he knows I enjoy doing as much as he enjoys having me do it. If I am sitting on the couch and NOT reading a book NOR touching him then I MUST be "mulling" something over (which I have to admit is usually true ). He ANTICIPATES my either asking a question or going on about something he isn't in the mood to talk about. He retreats then...either into the TV or onto the computer and he usually has an unpleasant expression on his face. I do this ubconsciously for the most part, so when I phase back to reality I feel like H is INTENTIONALLY ignoring me or is upset/angry at me about something. This sends me right back into "mulling" mode to try to figure out what I did WRONG. It is a viscious cycle for the most part.

When I "feed" H's LL he feels loved. He relaxes and makes sounds of contentment. He is more likely to snuggle or hold my hand. He smiles. This is when he may compliment me or thank me for something that I have done. ML might occur. H may in turn "feed" my LL of touch (this and WOA are equal for me) by stroking me in turn or kissing on me.

d. Bring up OW in ANY context: For H this is a dead horse and no longer worthy of comment. He is adamant it is over and resents my bringing any mention of OW up...in essence my mentioning it implies I think he is still cheating on me. He gets angry and defensive. He has read this section of DR and knows that it is a process of time for me to totally set it aside but he feels I have had more than enough time (this is not an assumption, he has told me this).

I'm not sure how to address this other than to just NOT do it. I hadn't realized how often I truly was bringing it up until I went back and read my threads I can't blame H for feeling beat up about it now By my employing thought-stopping techniques I might control it better. This would probably relieve any pressure that H might feel I am keeping on him by this. Only time and practice can truly speak for that though...otherwise I am just guessing. I'm not exactly positive that he has actually dealt with any guilt he has regarding this whole mess...he does seem to think that a great deal of what I say is an implication of wrong doing even though I don't THINK that at all Perhaps because of that whole "old behaviour" thing?

THat is about all my poor old brain can dredge up right now.

If it confuses people that I refer to H/M jointly it is because for me they are pretty much entertwined. I plan on addressing my OWN "care and feeding instructions" as well because it is actually the TWO of us that make up the M...and yes, I have been neglecting ME lately.

Hugz,
Zoo