Lost Hope (5)

[Zues126]

I think the disconnect is the great debate about whether physical affection for men is a want or a need. It seems that most men agree it is a need, and most women tend to assume it is a want.

I know my STBX could've written the same thing you just did. For my black and white thinking this infuriated me. I told her that physical affection was a need for me. She clearly never believed that. And I can tell you don't either.

Because you don't deprive a need. For example, she never would've let the dogs go without food or water. Because those are needs. She wouldn't simply let one of our dogs die in it's kennel for lack of water. And if she did she darn sure wouldn't say "it wasn't my intention to neglect my dog, but since I have children now...". No. She'd understand it isn't about how she feels, or what else she has to do. If she has a dog she needs to find a way to make sure it has what it needs to survive.

If that dog scavenged through the house, and by rooting through the garbage was able to just eat enough to survive...though light weight, sickly, and in a lot of pain...it might act not very friendly at times. It might beg at the table. It might bark for attention. It might even attack if it was truly in survival mode. I suppose then it's a bad dog. And if the dog could talk and say "I am perishing in pain and need food and water, I'm angry that you're not giving it to me, I'm being neglected", would you respond "I am not neglecting you, I am taking care of the cats all for you". Hmmm. That doesn't fill you up when you're unable to sleep because you're having hunger pains.

So when he says he can't R...how could he? Pretend for a minute that you had a NEED that your partner considered OPTIONAL. How could you put your trust in that person? How could you remain in that situation? You truly can't. And it's clear you consider this optional if you'd excuse neglecting it for years.

It's easy to say "Oh, c'mon, sex is not a bloody need, no one was STARVING to death, what a manipulative whiny analogy, totally lacks understanding of what it was like", etc. That's the outlook many women share. I could argue all day about how if my W is in a coma, or gets deathly sick, etc, etc...would I leave? If not, this then proves I don't NEED physical affection. But this isn't the case. There is a monumental difference between being unable and unwilling. Monumental. Unable means act of God. Unwilling means misunderstood, neglected, diminished, disrespected, and so, so much more. Bottom line, I'm just trying to help you understand the chasm between the two of you in his eyes.

Trust me, I know it isn't one sided. I fell short in my M in many, many ways. Of course to me it seems like this was the entire issue, and my issues were all about how I struggled to deal with this. But I know she would feel the exact inverse with a lot of validity. Frankly I'm so wearied of thinking about it I didn't want to reply, it's like it brings me back and I have PTSD. Right now I'd rather never talk to another woman again than go through that again. And that's not an exaggeration. But if God wants me to open my heart to someone again I won't be the one saying it's impossible. I just know the first thing I'll do is find out which side of the want/need fence she sits on, or just as importantly if she's willing to place is much value in my views and feelings as in own or whether she'll just do what she feels is best and persuade herself I was wrong to feel differently.

Anyway, sorry if I'm coming across as attacking, or blaming, or judging, or anything. I'm sorry you're here and that you're hurting, I'm sorry that your M is falling apart, I hate all of this as much as you do. Hope you find some peace and contentment this weekend.