Lost Hope (5)

[JulieH]

Zues, I feel as if the only times I have empathy for my husband are after I read your posts. Thank you for sharing, I was not aware of that incident in your relationship history. As an outsider reading in, I can appreciate your honesty and commitment to your wife. I can also understand how your wife would have been hurt and perhaps mistrustful as well.

Truth is, I know my husband feels similar to you. i would like to offer female view because I know a lot of men on these boards experienced this as well.

After sons were born, my entire being was devoted to ensuring they were safe and well provided for. It was instinctual. I had no other desire other then to hold them. In fact, if I could live that moment nursing and holding them in my arms for eternity, I would be in absolute bliss. As I'm sure you know, these same hormones cause a major decrease in libido. I loved my husband greatly, but at that time he had to be second. Factor that in with serious sleep deprivation, extreme anxiety that something could happen to the babies (later found out 1/5 moms experience this), nursing which physically drains you,
Painful scarring from surgery or delivery, a new post baby body that is by no means sexy and left so weak and susebtible to all sorts of biomechanical dysfunctions, and the stress of not knowing what to do with these innocent beings who are completely dependent upon you. I think new moms are the most neglected population out there. I was 100% mom as well because they needed me more. it was not about me anymore, it was about them and their survival. I assumed my husband was on same page and understood and felt the same way because he loved the children as much as I did and would sacrifice as much as i did.

I did not intentionally neglect husband. Physically and emotionally I was spent. I needed help and support and patience. I could barely make time for a shower and just did not feel sexy at all. Because of the lack of sleep (in our case this lasted close to 2 years), I kept getting sick and it was just really difficult. Regretfully I unfairly blamed husband for a lot. And I focused too much on what he wasn't doing instead of what he was. I see why he slowly distanced and detached into work.

Presently, There is nothing that bothers me more, then him complaining about how I did nothing for him while he was out providing because I felt my role at the time was so much more demanding (I also worked part time when they were still infants). When he says this, I feel completely unappreciated and misunderstood. I feel like he just has no empathy for me and does not understand or appreciate the fact that my being 100% mom to our children is my way of showing him how much I love him and our family. To neglect me and the kids was in my mind the ultimate insult.

You did stay and you wanted to work things out. My husband did not. Said he wants to reconcile but can't. Don't see the difference. All I see right now is a man that only cares about his needs and happiness and a man that wants to punish me because I tried to be the best mother to his children.