Im no angel, I broke off from my OW a year ago and in the process lost a friend but I knew W was uncomfortable deep down so I respected her feelings. I put W first.
Max
That's a bit confusing...Why didn't you put your wife first BEFORE you cheated on her. Also you didn't "lose a friend" you lost a woman with low self esteem that was willing to degrade herself and fool around with a married man. It also appears you rationalize and justify your affair based on the speculation that you think your wife cheated on you first years prior. It appears the truth might have helped you avoid falling into infidelity yourself.
I can understand now why your experience with infidelity discounts honesty and the truth; however, in my decade long recovery along with the 100's of couples my wife and I have helped address this issue in real life the full truth was/is ground zero starting point of recovery (or a healthy divorce with full knowledge).
His wife is much more likely to NEVER give him the full truth AND he is much more likely to believe the truth that he investigates on his own than, after 3 years of this crap, believe what his wayward wife decides to share with him.
I understand you may be able to say "bygones" and decide to just try to recover your marriage with your wife after you both ran around cheating on each other. It's convenient for both of you to ignore the facts but that's like buying a good looking house that you know is resting on a sinking cracked foundation. Eventually the house will collapse.
Further, getting your wife to respect you will never happen while she's having an affair. The affair ending is step one of recovery. You also will never get respect by being disrespectful. If and when he finds out the entire truth he should respectfully confront her with the truth, indicate clearly that he is devastated, indicate calmly that he has no desire to remain in a open marriage and demand she end her affair. After this many years, he can probably then ask HER to move out if she refuses. Most betrayed husband's might fare better if they could actually reasonably and calmly deliver an ultimatum and stick to it but few really can or do and the situations is so dynamic that I don't find advising it worthwhile. Instead you demand it and if she says, "or what" the betrayed husband says "I'm not sure - but I'm not going to be rubbing your feet for now and I'm not going to be enabling this betrayal any further and then I don't know yet". It's better than an ultimatum, followed quickly by a backtrack. In my experience, the guys that can MAKE their wives dump the OM and return to the marriage aren't posting on a forum for help (and it usually involves a threat of violence -which is not a truly productive way to restore a loving marriage).
Whatever you do....don't expect to confront her with anger and have her cry and cave. She will meet your upset with her own suppression over-anger which just blows it up into a completely unproductive mess. Be smart. Be intelligent. Handle the crisis in your life and marriage with manly calmness and strategic thinking instead of basal rage and/or anger. She's not your property. You are hurt but that doesn't justify yelling, punching walls, throwing things, etc (and you'll likely end up with the cops called on you and hurt any legal case as well)
Consider this - a decade later my wife is astonished at how calm, considerate and thoughtful I was where, when looking back, she remembers how awful and hurtful she was behaving towards me. It's a demonstration of strength in crisis. Ultimately, your wife is absolutely free to leave you and never apologize or care at all about how she treated you. If you go nuts on her - she'll just use that to further rational and justify her abuse of you. The cage door is open. You are not her keeper. You are deeply hurt and prefer she stay and actually commit to rebuilding your marriage together but you will be OK either way....her, not so much. A wayward spouse's ONLY route to happiness and redemption (biblically - if you are into that stuff at all) is back through their betrayed spouse. It's really hard but in your hurt see if you can muster up some pity for them because the sinner surely doesn't recognize the consequences of their own sin. Your wife is completely lost right now and you are the only person that can help her. She may resist but there in no real point to anger or yelling. She may think she's all cool (way wards are delusional) but she is truly wallowing in a pit. She is or will punish herself enough when she sees and witnesses what you have put yourself through for her (and she won't realize that until she's in love with you again, which can't happen until the affair ends and you began rebuilding your relationship).
The whole respect thing - it's a red herring. Respect yourself by controlling yourself. Stand up for yourself and your boundaries in a firm but calm manner. You can't make anyone respect you. She'll only respect you later if you behave in a respectful manner. IMO, punishing her isn't your job.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
