She's thinking of leaving again

[Zues126]

Scrant, I'll try to demonstrate my responses, but the pattern will be this: Tell her ONCE where you stand, then back it up with ACTIONS. I might truth dart her or communicate directly one time so she understands where you're coming from. After that I wouldn't bother anymore, as further explaining and talking and communicating is actually contradicting the words you are saying.

I would still like to do things with you and S. OM can't tell me what to do/ doesn't mind/ we don't talk about you.( just said no you left)
FIRST TIME: I have no interest in being friends with someone that would destroy our family for an illicit affair.
SECOND TIME: We'll see. (followed by ending the conversation and declining future invites. No more explaining, just not engaging in future plans).

We're not a broken family, just a different model of family.
FIRST TIME: I understand you feel justified in pursuing an affair and ending our marriage, but I am not going to play along with minimizing the destruction of your choices.
SECOND TIME: OK. Talk to you later.

You're better company than he is ( I said yes but you left to be with him)
OK. Talk to you later.

We can still go on holiday to (her) parents or on a mini break. I'd have no problems sharing a room. ( I said and him?)
No thank you. I'm making my own plans for the holiday.

You should talk to S. I'm his mother. ( said give him time)
I agree it's important that S feels safe and loved by both of his parents and that we should both do everything we can to encourage that.

You should have told me you were making meatballs I could have made some for you? Later... How were the meatballs?
FIRST PART: Thanks for the offer.
SECOND PART: Fantastic.


Scrant...when I say "First Time", what I really mean is that once, one time, you should take the opportunity to explain to her that you don't intend to remain friends with her given her choice to betray you and end the marriage. That should be ONE TOTAL TIME. After that I would literally just enforce that boundary with action.

The mistakes most people make are as follows:

1. The initiate R talks to try to communicate this to her. Don't bother. I would rather you skip the truth darts and just live it instead of talking it. If the opportunity doesn't arise that's fine. Just walk your path and she'll figure it out. NO R TALKS. Don't use this as an excuse. It's an optional step. This ties to #2.

2. Repeatedly trying to truth dart. Continuing to try to communicate how you see things differently is very weak. The fact is that once you've communicated how you feel and set your boundary of not living in an open M...initiating or participating in R talks so you can repeatedly explain this is doing the opposite of what you're saying you'll do. You're saying "I am not going to engage with you given you've chosen to be with OM". But then continuing to talk about it is staying emotionally connected, showing that you're still a plan B, meeting her needs to feel important or safe, and essentially enabling her to continue to do what she's doing without consequences. Instead just cut bait, create distance, and move forward with your own life.

The challenges to doing this are your need to feel validated, and the illusion that you can steer her back towards you (through logic, charm, persuasion, etc). It doesn't work. You can't control her. She may never come back. If she wakes up it will likely be in a year or two. And she may never wake up. You can't change that, make it happen, or speed it up. All you can do is slow it down and destroy it. Don't do that.

To overcome those challenges you need to find ways to meet your own emotional needs without her. If you need to feel validated, talk to a counselor or a friend, or journal, or post on here. If you need to feel cared for, spend time with family or close friends. The more you do to build a network to meet the needs you used to look to her to satisfy, the sooner she will stop being such a dominant factor in your life. That is the key to detachment...meeting your needs elsewhere. That is the reason behind GAL...giving yourself opportunities to meet those needs elsewhere.

WW is like a gambling addict that is burning through money, only instead of gambling away the savings and the house, she's burning away every shred of goodwill that she's built up in your heart. Time to close that door. You can still have loving feelings, and hurt feelings. But don't continue to grant her access to your heart because she's in a free fall and won't stop until she hits bottom. Don't give her more of your soul to buy her more time to avoid reality.

So, cliff notes- stop engaging with her, stop playing ball, invest in yourself, grieve and vent on here, then spend some time thinking about how you want to build your new life without her. She's already destroyed your marriage and family, time to cut her off and let her go. You can't get her to come around, all you can do is avoid being sucked in to the roller coaster and battered by her selfishness.