Continue to follow the rules, however, realize you have laid down a boundary. You drew a line in the sand. You just can't ignore it or take it back. That's why I caution people about giving the ultimate boundary, "I will not live in an open M", before they are really ready to back it up. I don't think you're ready. Almost every WW is going to test that boundary. It does not ensure she'll end the A just b/c her H told her this.
What has changed for her? Nothing! What has caused her to believe you will stick by what you said was a boundary? Nothing!
She had no consequences. She said she didn't want to leave her bed or her S. that was pretty plain! What did you do? You agreed with her. That's fine, you don't have to want it, but you don't tell a WW, b/c she will take full advantage.
You gave a boundary about not living in an open M, yet you want to ask her if she's still showing respect for you and why didn't she call to let you know she would be late? Which do you think should be priority? A phone call to lie to the H is worthless in an A. Do not ask her what time she got home. What did you do when she gave the answer, "Late"? What good does it do to ask these kind of questions? She cannot be trusted. She did whatever she wanted to do, and came home and slid into bed next to her H. Obviously, she is not very worried that her M is busting up.
You think she's confused b/c you have been acting so happy and pleasant? How would you feel if it you betrayed the closest person to you (and they knew what you did) and they just smiled, acted happy and very pleasant to you? Well, I can tell you that a WW will usually feel disgusted. She sees it as her making a fool out of the H. Sorry for the harshness, however, at this particular crises point, she needs to see you being firm and standing very tall. You can act happy and pleasant around the kids, but when it's just the two of you.......be hard for her to read. You don't have to show anger, act mad, etc., just look at her with "knowing" eyes, without saying anything.
The only thing that really works to shake sense into a WW is reality bursting her fantasy cloud and experiencing loss. What has she lost? Has she had to deal with the reality her A has caused?
Was anything said about the phone app? You were concerned she'd be really mad, but you never said anymore about it. Do you know for a fact she saw the OM that night? I agree it seems pretty suspicious, but do you have evidence? She may have stayed with her GF talking about what she wants. Who knows?
quote]Im stuggling with how to handle certain situations with W birthday and christmas coming up. People are asking me whats going on we usually have a party for W bday and have a christmas potluck, we have family christmas and bdays all this stuff i dont know what to tell people im still holding a smig of hope that my w will come to her senses and drop this OM so we can try to save our M so i havent been telling anyone anything about my sitch. Not a soul other then my good freinds on DB forum. What should i do?[/quote]
So, here's what I suggest. Unless you know she's been with OM, stick it out till after Christmas, b/c you are still new at this and aren't sure about what you should be doing. I am not suggesting you act as if she's pulling the wool over your eyes, or that she's off the hook, or any of that stuff. Take a day at a time, and continue coming here for advice. As the holidays get nearer, she may slip up more & more. If she speaks or does something else that shows disrespect, call her out on it. Keep a plan close to your heart about what you will do immediately following Christmas. The only reason I even suggest this for the sake of the children. We don't get to be kids very long. Let them have their Christmas when they are little. Next year..........remains to be seen.
Are you the one to make all the Christmas plans with friends and family each year? What does she do? I do not give this advice in most cases, however, since you have small children and it's so close to Christmas........and since you are acting so happy and pleasant.........I would say to take these next 27 days and show her the man only a fool would leave. However, that does not include all the wooing, cuddling, hugging, etc., she is showing remorse and her attitude is changing toward you. As long as she's contacting OM, don't get cozy with her. If she asks why, you remind her you told her you would live in an open M. Say no more, unless you are pushed, then you can tell her you will deal with this after Christmas. Just be a wonderful dad, a great host, fun at Christmastime and the parties, etc. Don't compromise your integrity. Just put the action/consequences off till after Christmas.
Don't plan on a birthday party. Just tell them as of right now, you do not foresee a BD party this year. You'll let them know if plans change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
