New thread - My WW

[Vapo]

As cadet says, dont be her closer. That goes for not making this easier for her to phuck you over...but please, please, Please protect yourself here.

What do you mean by protect yourself?

This means to not allow her to take advantage of you still loving her and give in to her demands. A lawyer will tell you your rights and give you some clear guidance. She will do everything to get what she wants. Do not make a mistake of thinking she'll be fair to you. She is in a different mindset and in her mind she has been unhappy for years and years and it is finally her turn for happiness and it is you that is in the way of it (tell me if you recognize the signs).

And yes, her saying she needs space to figure stuff out. BULLSHIT! She knows exactly what she wants and it is not you buddy. Do not buy her crap of needing space etc...

Stay strong buddy.

[mvgfwd2]

I agree, W saying she doesn't know what she wants and needs space or separate is all for lessening the guilt she is feeling. She just wants you to agree with it so she feels OK doing it.

Maintain your boundaries, take action, and GAL.

[Zephyr]

She is going out with her pal for a night of srinking and staying in a hotel...ya.

Please do not buy this as good old girlfriend behavior. It is not that and you know it Strong. Has she wver done this in the good old days? What has changed.

When i said protect yourself...i mean make sure you are physically safe,mentally protected at finacially prepared what may happen.

Physically - she is no longer your wife, you should not have sex with her until you knoww for sure you are her one and only and does not have.any std's to share with you as a secret santa present for xmas.

Mentally - prepare yourswlf for the spew. You are going to be tested to the limits. She will lie to you as of she.was.an 8 year old telling you they didn't eat the chocolate even though they have the residue.all over thier face. And you want to believe them so you let them lie and believe the bullshit.

Financially - we see these women come in and take it all. Now are they entitled to marital funds, yes...all of them, NO...talk to a lawyer and quick.

Biggest piece of advice...start to put you as the ficus of your love and affection. Be awesome in every respect of your life - except for being a husband...that is not something that is worth your while right now.

[Strngr!]

Thanks everyone! I need to turn my focus onto myself that is most definitly true. So so hard! Need to stay strong.

Do i wait until next time she stays out till all hours of the night and move here stuff to spare bedroom? Or should i be acting imediatly due to the other night

[Strngr!]

Feeling sore but spirits are pretty good today. I went to the gym last night and i have lost 15 lbs since joining the gym almost down to normal weight. Im 6'0" and BMI says i should be down at 183 to be in normal range im at 188 just into over weight range. Next step build some more muscle and get cut.

Wifes plans with her freind to go dancing and to hotel fell through. So i wont get my chance to do some heavy reading on the DR book tonight. Her freind got in a fight with her BF over the plans. He didnt understand why they were staying over night and is complaining shes spending more time with my W then him lately.

[sandi2]

I agree, W saying she doesn't know what she wants and needs space or separate is all for lessening the guilt she is feeling. She just wants you to agree with it so she feels OK doing it.

I hear the LBH'S speak of the WW saying these type of things out of guilt. I do agree it is script, but I do not believe the WW is feeling guilt when she says she needs space. That's not to say she NEVER has a twinge of guilty feelings, but her desire for freedom outweighs her guilt several times over. Her desire to pursue this OM is driving her feelings......not guilt.

I have known several women in real life who use the very same strategic move. The purpose, of course, is to get the H out of her way with as little hassle as possible. He leaves with the impression that once she has a few days of space, he goes home and things will be better. That is not her plan. This is merely a step to get nearer to what she wants. What does she want? Perhaps she isn't sure about something permanent, b/c she is too fogged out. She is living in the moment, and in this moment, she wants her H out of her way. At the moment, she wants to pursue her fantasy.

She says she doesn't know what she wants. That's more for to keep the H at bay. In the beginning of this new connection with OM, she may not know exactly what she wants......permanently. But she does know that she wants to pursue this fresh and exciting adventure with this new man who makes her feel more alive than anything has for a long time. Having her H around really cramps things right now, so she has to get him to step aside while she explores this further. She isn't ready to tell him she wants a D, b/c she doesn't know how far this will go with OM, yet. She has to protect herself by having a backup plan. That is what her H will be.....her backup plan in case OM doesn't work out.

So, I don't agree that she tells him she needs space out of guilt. In fact, the WW feels very little guilt until she goes through the process that will lead to remorse. What some men forget is that the WW feels justified to do what she does. When you feel justified, you don't feel guilty.

Maybe it helps the LBH to think she does and says things out of guilt, IDK. I can see how a H would want to cling to the hope she still has the capacity for guilt left in her heart. Her selfishness overrides everything. That's why she can turn a blind eye to her kids and the destruction she is causing. Selfishness and justification is the theme that runs through the entire process.

So, step one: Get the H out of the house.

[Strngr!]

So, step one: Get the H out of the house.

I'm NOT leaving the house.

[sandi2]

Okay, that's good. I don't think in-house separation works, b/c nobody knows the ground rules. The LBH is trying to work on the M and the WW wants to play around. I realize many couples go this route, however, I have not seen it successful on the board. I believe it might be successful, if the H would act as if he's single instead of the doting H to a woman who doesn't want him.

The frustration is horrible with in-house separation. The LBH is constantly in the face of disrespect. He doesn't know where to draw the line between cake eating and family.

To me, when the couple agrees to in-house S, the WS gets all the advantages of M life and the single life.

Just be sure you know what's in store.

[Strngr!]

Okay, that's good. I don't think in-house separation works, b/c nobody knows the ground rules. The LBH is trying to work on the M and the WW wants to play around. I realize many couples go this route, however, I have not seen it successful on the board. I believe it might be successful, if the H would act as if he's single instead of the doting H to a woman who doesn't want him.

The frustration is horrible with in-house separation. The LBH is constantly in the face of disrespect. He doesn't know where to draw the line between cake eating and family.

To me, when the couple agrees to in-house S, the WS gets all the advantages of M life and the single life.

Just be sure you know what's in store.

I never agreed to an in house seperation. She said she wants a seperation i just said i can stop her from leaving and im not leaving. Now she says were seperated but wont leave the house she says its because she doesnt want to leave S1.

[sandi2]

Continue to follow the rules, however, realize you have laid down a boundary. You drew a line in the sand. You just can't ignore it or take it back. That's why I caution people about giving the ultimate boundary, "I will not live in an open M", before they are really ready to back it up. I don't think you're ready. Almost every WW is going to test that boundary. It does not ensure she'll end the A just b/c her H told her this.

What has changed for her? Nothing! What has caused her to believe you will stick by what you said was a boundary? Nothing!

She had no consequences. She said she didn't want to leave her bed or her S. that was pretty plain! What did you do? You agreed with her. That's fine, you don't have to want it, but you don't tell a WW, b/c she will take full advantage.

You gave a boundary about not living in an open M, yet you want to ask her if she's still showing respect for you and why didn't she call to let you know she would be late? Which do you think should be priority? A phone call to lie to the H is worthless in an A. Do not ask her what time she got home. What did you do when she gave the answer, "Late"? What good does it do to ask these kind of questions? She cannot be trusted. She did whatever she wanted to do, and came home and slid into bed next to her H. Obviously, she is not very worried that her M is busting up.

You think she's confused b/c you have been acting so happy and pleasant? How would you feel if it you betrayed the closest person to you (and they knew what you did) and they just smiled, acted happy and very pleasant to you? Well, I can tell you that a WW will usually feel disgusted. She sees it as her making a fool out of the H. Sorry for the harshness, however, at this particular crises point, she needs to see you being firm and standing very tall. You can act happy and pleasant around the kids, but when it's just the two of you.......be hard for her to read. You don't have to show anger, act mad, etc., just look at her with "knowing" eyes, without saying anything.

The only thing that really works to shake sense into a WW is reality bursting her fantasy cloud and experiencing loss. What has she lost? Has she had to deal with the reality her A has caused?

Was anything said about the phone app? You were concerned she'd be really mad, but you never said anymore about it. Do you know for a fact she saw the OM that night? I agree it seems pretty suspicious, but do you have evidence? She may have stayed with her GF talking about what she wants. Who knows?

quote]Im stuggling with how to handle certain situations with W birthday and christmas coming up. People are asking me whats going on we usually have a party for W bday and have a christmas potluck, we have family christmas and bdays all this stuff i dont know what to tell people im still holding a smig of hope that my w will come to her senses and drop this OM so we can try to save our M so i havent been telling anyone anything about my sitch. Not a soul other then my good freinds on DB forum. What should i do?[/quote]

So, here's what I suggest. Unless you know she's been with OM, stick it out till after Christmas, b/c you are still new at this and aren't sure about what you should be doing. I am not suggesting you act as if she's pulling the wool over your eyes, or that she's off the hook, or any of that stuff. Take a day at a time, and continue coming here for advice. As the holidays get nearer, she may slip up more & more. If she speaks or does something else that shows disrespect, call her out on it. Keep a plan close to your heart about what you will do immediately following Christmas. The only reason I even suggest this for the sake of the children. We don't get to be kids very long. Let them have their Christmas when they are little. Next year..........remains to be seen.

Are you the one to make all the Christmas plans with friends and family each year? What does she do? I do not give this advice in most cases, however, since you have small children and it's so close to Christmas........and since you are acting so happy and pleasant.........I would say to take these next 27 days and show her the man only a fool would leave. However, that does not include all the wooing, cuddling, hugging, etc., she is showing remorse and her attitude is changing toward you. As long as she's contacting OM, don't get cozy with her. If she asks why, you remind her you told her you would live in an open M. Say no more, unless you are pushed, then you can tell her you will deal with this after Christmas. Just be a wonderful dad, a great host, fun at Christmastime and the parties, etc. Don't compromise your integrity. Just put the action/consequences off till after Christmas.

Don't plan on a birthday party. Just tell them as of right now, you do not foresee a BD party this year. You'll let them know if plans change.