I agree, W saying she doesn't know what she wants and needs space or separate is all for lessening the guilt she is feeling. She just wants you to agree with it so she feels OK doing it.
I hear the LBH'S speak of the WW saying these type of things out of guilt. I do agree it is script, but I do not believe the WW is feeling guilt when she says she needs space. That's not to say she NEVER has a twinge of guilty feelings, but her desire for freedom outweighs her guilt several times over. Her desire to pursue this OM is driving her feelings......not guilt.
I have known several women in real life who use the very same strategic move. The purpose, of course, is to get the H out of her way with as little hassle as possible. He leaves with the impression that once she has a few days of space, he goes home and things will be better. That is not her plan. This is merely a step to get nearer to what she wants. What does she want? Perhaps she isn't sure about something permanent, b/c she is too fogged out. She is living in the moment, and in this moment, she wants her H out of her way. At the moment, she wants to pursue her fantasy.
She says she doesn't know what she wants. That's more for to keep the H at bay. In the beginning of this new connection with OM, she may not know exactly what she wants......permanently. But she does know that she wants to pursue this fresh and exciting adventure with this new man who makes her feel more alive than anything has for a long time. Having her H around really cramps things right now, so she has to get him to step aside while she explores this further. She isn't ready to tell him she wants a D, b/c she doesn't know how far this will go with OM, yet. She has to protect herself by having a backup plan. That is what her H will be.....her backup plan in case OM doesn't work out.
So, I don't agree that she tells him she needs space out of guilt. In fact, the WW feels very little guilt until she goes through the process that will lead to remorse. What some men forget is that the WW feels justified to do what she does. When you feel justified, you don't feel guilty.
Maybe it helps the LBH to think she does and says things out of guilt, IDK. I can see how a H would want to cling to the hope she still has the capacity for guilt left in her heart. Her selfishness overrides everything. That's why she can turn a blind eye to her kids and the destruction she is causing. Selfishness and justification is the theme that runs through the entire process.
So, step one: Get the H out of the house.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
