Pho's thread- things that I have learned

[Calibri]

You can do it as long as you want. However, you are better off without him right now - my blunt assessment from afar, so take it for what it is worth at that distance. It may be time for you to initiate some further space between you and your H. He is draining you, and drawing your focus away from you and your kids much more than seems healthy or sustainable. Just my two cents.

Maybe stop trying to save your M,and start trying to save yourself and you kids? It may just be the best thing to save your M. You tolerate a great deal of abuse by your H for the sake of your M. You kids are not doing well, you are not doing well, and - not that this is a priority- neither is your H. He has a lot of his own narcissistic tendencies to deal with. He may, or may not be able to attend to those. I don't see what you are doing getting him to deal with this, or to move towards reconciliation on terms that would be healthy.

Maybe dumping the a$$, and let him decide whether he wants to get his life in order to fix that. It won't necessarily draw him & the children together or apart, but it stands a better chance than the status quo.

Agreed with everything 100%

Pho, your body is giving you clear signals. It's too much. You've got to reign if in before you shut down. If you break down, then what? What happens to your kids? What happens to you.

Imo, you're sending a message to your husband that gives him a hall pass to treat you like [censored]. That you will take all of the abuse. Absorb it. Become the scapegoat while he melts down, encourages his family to berate you, and blames his daughter and in turn you, for issues that he himself is not accepting. And you're just standing there, taking it, sending a message that, "hey, it's ok that you melt down, are unstable and are generally acting like a self absorbed ass - we're married. For better or for worse will come at my expense. Continue on - I'll stand here and be steadfast while you essentially act like a petulant child."

Yeah, hell no.

Pho, you're paralyzed. You're full of fear. You've lost your voice. It appears that you feel that standing for yourself is not as important as standing for your marriage. A marriage is (Imo) two healthy people working together towards a common goal. He's not healthy. You aren't either (and that's not to be rude, but it's an observation. You're going down - and fast, sweetie). You're clinging to the shards of your broken marriage looking to put it back together, cutting yourself in the process.

You can't force him to be healthy. You can't force him to be the partner that you need. You can't force anything, and why would you want to? You should desire a partner who wants to be there. Who is going to work through it, who wants to be healthy. And I'm not seeing it from him. I see a man who is ill, who is lost and not present and has no desire to do so.

He's not afraid to lose you - because he's already gone. Send him on his way. Seriously, you can still love him from a far, but I have to wonder that if you jerk that rug of safety out from under him - what will he choose? Enabling him to wander around and not present isn't doing either one of you favors. It's allowing him to make a choice, by not making a choice. And you're better than that, you deserve better than that.

Stop giving him all the power. Stand up tall, enforce some boundaries and take back your life.