Pho's thread- things that I have learned

[asitis]

Thank you Asitis. I just ordered the book. I am feeling so extremely emotional today. I am here with the IL's, they are treating me well, but why did it have to come to this?

I am concerned about my son. He has very good social skills and makes friends easily, and is very affectionate and open with me, so that is a good start.

I had a tremor in my arms and hands all day, could barely hold a drink. (drinking water!)

My jaw hurts all the time lately, I am afraid that I am going to break my teeth.

I feel like my body is giving out. I am crashing. I often feel both extremely strong and extremely "done" at the same time, if that makes sense. Not weak, but done.

Getting past this day will be a relief for me, and then I will re-evaluate.

As, when you say you fear I am letting H call all the shots. Yes, he is. But what do I do about it? What shots can I call? I feel immobilized, like anything I say is going to be seen as an ultimatum or will be "proof" that I am controlling. I don't know what to do.

Last night I felt detached for several hours, it was such a good feeling, almost euphoric, almost like being on a high. I need to get that back.

And on top of all of this, out of the blue I am experiencing a deep mourning for my grandfather, he died 12 years ago, he was so important to me and so loved, and I think going to visit my grandmother triggered this in me today, but I just keep tearing up and wanting my papa. I feel like I am almost as upset today missing him as I was when he actually passed, it is just hitting me so hard.

Sorry for the rambling, I am so emotional today. I feel so much loss. I am going to miss H's aunt and one of his cousin's in particular. And I can't even say goodbye as that would be melodramatic and its not like we are even separated, but I can see the writing on the wall. I can't do this anymore.

You can do it as long as you want. However, you are better off without him right now - my blunt assessment from afar, so take it for what it is worth at that distance. It may be time for you to initiate some further space between you and your H. He is draining you, and drawing your focus away from you and your kids much more than seems healthy or sustainable. Just my two cents.

Maybe stop trying to save your M,and start trying to save yourself and you kids? It may just be the best thing to save your M. You tolerate a great deal of abuse by your H for the sake of your M. You kids are not doing well, you are not doing well, and - not that this is a priority- neither is your H. He has a lot of his own narcissistic tendencies to deal with. He may, or may not be able to attend to those. I don't see what you are doing getting him to deal with this, or to move towards reconciliation on terms that would be healthy.

Maybe dumping the a$$, and let him decide whether he wants to get his life in order to fix that. It won't necessarily draw him & the children together or apart, but it stands a better chance than the status quo.