Lost Hope (5)

[Zues126]

Julie, I read Maximus's post and feel compelled to comment. I respect his honesty and am not here to condemn another person. That said, I don't want you to think that every man cheats or considers it ok.

My M was horrible. After the kids STBX was 100% mom, 0% wife. I focused on work and pool to keep my mind off the hole in my heart at home. We went years at a time without sex and up to six months at a time without talking. I felt more used than I could possibly explain. I told my best friend it was like I was single except I couldn't date anyone and had to give 100% of my income in alimony.

During that time I was a new manager. I was 31. I had a number of women working for me between the ages of 24-28. They would go out after work for happy hour, and do fun adventurous things on the weekend. I started to feel extremely left out. Meanwhile I'd go home and literally be shunned by a woman that treated me like once she had my sperm and money I was worthless.

Finally it happened. I started getting a bit of a crush on one of these women. I started enjoying her company too much, trying to impress her, finding ways to spend more time with her. I knew it was stupid, but I have always avoided women so being in a job where I had to have extended contact was challenging for me. I remember talking to one of my friends after work, crying because I was so upset this is how I was feeling. Note- I never did ANYTHING inappropriate. No flirting, no physical contact. It was just in my MIND. But I was so frustrated that I was feeling this way. And yes, I in part blamed my W, because I was thinking "I am trying, trying, trying to stay committed to this M, and instead of recognizing how hard it is for a man and supporting me through my temptations, you are literally giving me every reason to justify going outside of the M".

But- I knew that was all BS. I KNEW my M was more important. I knew that this was a garbage distraction. I was able to look ahead and run it out, if I broke up my family for some other woman in 5 years I'd have the same challenges with this other person, on top of a broken home.

This lasted 2-3 months, until one day I told this other woman that I couldn't work with her any more, and I told her why. I also told my boss. I also told my W. I offered my resignation if my boss couldn't find another team to have me lead. Bottom line I freaked out and said my M was first, and I couldn't allow anything to jeopardize that. Everyone was surprised since there had been no outward sign of anything. But in the end it worked out, I was able to continue working there. And once I made this confession any fantasy died and the emotional obsession was dead.

STBX of course was hurt and upset and embarrassed, and instead of being a wake up call to the state of our M and a sign that I was committed to working on it, she instead moved farther away. This is the way our M was the last 3 years. It was bad. Bad Julie.

It's too bad. I was actually proud of how I handled the situation all in all. Turns out she didn't do as well when it was her turn so to speak. That's part of the reason I felt so betrayed, if I knew we were going to play the give up and screw around game I wouldn't have tortured myself in that partnership for so long.

But I can sleep at night knowing who I am, what I did, and there is no sex in the world that is better than being able to look in the mirror.

I've shared this before, just not sure if it's been since you were on the board. Point is that not all men cheat and some DO think it's a big deal. As much as I have physical desires I've only ever wanted to have one woman in my life, and the fact it hasn't played out that way has been 100% on them.

Back to your regular scheduled program now.