Pho's thread- things that I have learned

[asitis]

Hi Pho,

Catching up on your sitch. While views about each other change, and often abruptly, I think your big insight a few pages back that you (& I'd make that a plural to include your kids) might be better off without your H. Maybe that is what it will take to get him to deal w/ his issues - I suspect he will still blame others for his unhappiness, but it will be harder to do & maybe (just maybe) he might face reality.

I know that your D will likely be relieved to have more space from H. Your S is the one who concerns me, as his obsession w/ his business is troubling. I suspect that if he were a client, I would be seeing a lot of compensating for the absence of your H in his life, and a repeat of the generational dynamic. I worry about his heading in a direction that makes him struggle to form healthy relationships as an adult. I know you have him in IC, but if they aren't exploring this angle, it is worth bringing up with IC (I wouldn't mention it to your S - or your H, as it will likely not help). Your S is clearly resourceful & has talents, and is trying to fill his life with meaning. You and IC might be able to help him channel those strengths into a more healthy path that will keep him from the future duplication of your H, which you noticed - I think rightly.

I also worry that you are still letting H call the shots in the R, and are not yet really putting yourself at the center of your consideration. If I haven't recommended it already, I really think that Bepko & Kresten's Too Good for Her Own Good will really speak to you in an eye-opening way. It may not help your M, but I think it will help you and future Rs, and give you insights into what needs to change if you have a hope for a healthy M with your H.

I don't mean to be a downer on this day of giving thanks. You're an incredibly strong, caring, decent person, who is single-handedly holding your family together. Your kids will thank you, and I think they'll wish you had taken your needs more into consideration than you tend to. You are the strength of your family, and that is a very difficult role to play, and you do it very well. I see all that, and I see someone who also may put herself last in her thinking too often, and who will be able to sustain herself and her kids most by showing herself a bit more importance and self-care.

Much respect and best wishes to you and all you do on this Thanksgiving.