I hope I'm not breaking any rules by posting this. It's long, and for that I apologize in advance (thereby making it that much longer...). I wanted to try to distill as much of my thinking on the "subject at hand" as I could. PLEASE feel free to tell me where I'm (deceiving myself, WRONG, pig-headed, old-fashioned, WRONG, etc.). Or just ignore it, and it'll drop down out of sight. I put this in a new thread, because I think it may be of a more general nature, and if it generates discussion, I didn't want it dirtying-up my "sitch" thread. I am NOT trying to start any flame wars, but if flames are to be thrown my way, I'll assume I deserve them.

FWIW, here it is:

It's not just about sex, folks!

Sex is NOT the only issue, or even the biggest one! Yes, I know we're all sitting around here b!tching about not getting any, but sex is just the medium, not the message (sorry, mr. McLuhan).

So, what's it about?


  • It's about LOVE.
  • It's about Communication.
  • It's about Togetherness.
  • It's about INTIMACY.
  • It's about V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N.
  • It's about Self-Esteem.
  • It's about Self-Expression.


Take LOVE, for instance. What is love, without an expression of it? Pretty theoretical, IMHO. If you love me, how am I supposed to know it? Am I just supposed to "know" it? Take it for granted? How? You can say "I express it through the things I do for you, like looking after the house and kids (or whatever)." Okay, that's ONE possible Love Language, but what if I don't have a receptor for that message? What if I don't hear it? If the message isn't received, has there been any communication? If an idea is expressed, but that expression finds no audience, has there been any exchange? ("tree in the forest" problem?)

So I complain about not receiving the message. I know there is a message, because you told me you sent one (when I complained about not getting one), but I still can't receive it. So for me, there is no message. When I explain that in order for me to receive the message, I need at least some of it in a certain form, you tell me that you don't send messages in that form.

Meanwhile, you tell me that in order for you to receive my message, I must send it coded a certain way. It has to be in a certain form, a certain medium. And you tell me that if I ever expect to get any of your messages in the way I need them, I better send all my messages to you in your preferred format.

Huh?

So I guess that covers Love and Communication, since what we're talking about here is using sex (touch) to communicate love. At least that's what I'm talking about.

So how about Togetherness? When I'm with you sexually, I can express an entire range of tender feelings for you, and for you to allow me the opportunity to express that to you, also fulfills a need in me, and helps me to feel good about myself. It's even better when you can spend some time expressing similar feelings for me (even necessary to a healthy marriage). Now, what I'm talking about here are things many may not even consider "sexual". I'm talking about sitting together, talking, laughing together, spending time holding hands, kissing, (you know... "making out"), and just staying on a wavelength with each other. This also has to do with INTIMACY. Being intimate with each other goes WAY beyond sex - it has to do with what we talk about together, being "in tune" with each other, being "sympatico" (no, not the high-speed Internet connection), really connecting with each other. It means being able to look at each other with eyes wide open, and sharing each others' souls. It means we can discuss any sexual act, or any fantasy, or any thought or feeling, and know the other isn't going to attack us or blame us or belittle us or make us feel ashamed. The cliche in the 60's was "love means never having to say you're sorry", but this was an inaccurate statement of the issue - love means never having to be ashamed of who you are in front of your mate.

I think the last three go pretty much together - starting with V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N. When we can be truly intimate with each other, and at ease around each other, then I feel validated as a human being, and as a mate. Not having this validation causes me to doubt myself, and leads to a great deal of stress and anxiety. Marriage, to me, is a calling, and this calling goes to the very center of my being. It is a core part of who I am and what I'm about. I knew from a very young age that I was called to get married and raise a family. My parents are still married, after almost 50 years. I always expected that this would be my experience, also. So this type of validation, not of my expectations, but of the right-ness of my calling, is extremely important to me.

Having this kind of validation gives me the self-esteem and self-confidence to express who I am to the fullest, which is the healthiest way to be, and has the potential to provide many benefits not only for me, but for my family as well - if I am truly happy and at peace with myself, how can that not be a good thing for those around me?

At this point, I'd also like to express a related idea that has come to my while writing this. I started by saying it's not just about sex, but it's also not "just sex". What I mean is, sex is a good thing!

The fact that I have these desires is natural. I am NOT a "sex maniac" or a "sex addict". I respect women, and I teach my sons to respect women. I enjoy erotica, and I see it as a normal and natural extension of an adult's natural interest in sex, but I don't use it to excess. I think masturbation has its place in a healthy adult life, but NOT as the only means, or even the most prominent means, of sexual expression.

In other words, I have a right to my sexuality, and it's OKAY for me to want sex. The fact that I have a BIG desire for sex does NOT belittle you in any way. At least it shouldn't. It's OKAY for you to say "I'm not in the mood," but not when that's your response most of the time. If I'm in the mood and you're not, it's OKAY for me to want you to lovingly help me out in any loving way you can, even if that doesn't include "the act". It's OKAY for you to decline to do so, but not all the time.

(I don't think I've expressed that last part very well, and in fact now that I read it up here, it all looks kind of trite, or beligerent, and confusing/not well thought-out, but maybe you guys can help me to think it through and get it right.)



TimV2.0

Me: 53
Her: 56
D26 (at home)
S23 (at home)
S18 (at home)

Formerly Tim47...