Immature people tend to not know how to handle complicated situations. Especially emotional ones. Think about it. After BD how do we act normally? We need help straightening ourselves out. Coming here we achieve some of this because everyone has a similar story.
Mature people become condescending and arrogant until they slip up. Then they too are lost.
From my experience and as a H, sometimes we try to get the message across as well. The H's version of nagging. Sometimes it is portrayed as weakness and we double back, others the W puts in the cupboard and she has enough on her plate, others she dismisses it. More often than not when this happens we close up. For a guy it is hard to open up and be emotional. We are tons after BD, especially if we are the ones who got the ILYB... speech.
Sometimes we need the W to listen share and care about our problems. It is true we try and be the macho man infront of the W. I remember the first interactions I had with my FIL, we were both trying to impress my W. He as still daddy and me as the man in her life. we need to impress and show we have everything under control.
When we get lost we need that person to back us up. Each person is a world so there are countless ways we need it and ask for it. ME.. I will never ask directly...just drop hints. If we dont get it we do shut down and as the R gets cold, resentment builds up. Especially as we were once the apple in her eye and now it is the baby and work.
Those who were only child with strong attachments to the mother are even more lost. They were never prepared to fend for themselves emotionally or give without receiving. They went from being one woman's centre of attention (COA) to anothers.
I also think this is accentuated more with the lack of a strong male role model. IE the father.
Now they are caught up in quicksand. The more they struggle the more lost they are so in the end give up.
They make the usual mistake and when caught (which is inevitable as men are lousy A hiders as compared to women, especially if the W is determined to know the truth) blame everyone but themselves and twist everything to fit the script in their head.
The problem is for some it is now worse. On top of whatever issues they had, now they have to deal with an A gone public. Each man will deal with it in his own way.
In these cases it is not the W fault as it is not the H fault with a WW. Both are.
What changes is how we act. I think M & W act differently.
So dont beat yourself up, especially about the past. Concentrate on the future and how good a job you are doing.
The weaker the man the more he shys away from responsability, knowing whatever step he takes back in his duties means his W must take one forward to compensate.
