So I shared something with her this morning this is word for word from the email I sent her, I thought she should know. If you're not religious please be kind and understand:

Last couple nights, I actually felt good almost normal when I went to bed, in fact I got a decent nights sleep for the 1st time in a long time. I’m starting to realize that wondering and asking “why” is like wrestling with a shark with my hands tied. That maybe is something to address some other time or say that’s for you to workout and make sure that there is never a why again. I’m still obviously dealing with the hurt and pain, it’s going to take time but at least I’m starting to feel a little bit normal, and maybe I’m starting to see that there is hope.

I want to share this last Christmas when we were at church I prayed excessively to God the whole time we were at mass, I asked please give you and me the strength and ability to make US right. I feared and had an idea of what was going to be, but didn’t believe it. When i went to mass last weekend, I took a knee and I said “God the last time I was here, I asked for strength for us and look what happened… how? why?” Father came out and before starting mass spoke to the congregation and said “if you are here because you want to strength to forgive someone you love.” He said other things, but that was the one… “I looked up and said, and I believe.. “this is our test, this is the hardest path we will have to follow to test us and our love for each other our Faith. “ That was when I felt, that this as f*ked up as it is is our opportunity to do it the right way, to love each other as we need, to build US as a better us! This is his way of giving us what I asked for, that we have to feel the lowest, the worst we can for us to have the best! That we will be better and that we need to rebuild US. It's crazy how he works!!!! I always remember you saying after you broke up with me you asking God how could this happen?
Last thursday i was talking to 2 guys I know here one is a pastor and we spoke as we walked back from the gym and he talked about a reading from the bible (this is after I spoke about going to church and how it was amazing how the words spoken were the words I needed)... he said “when David and his guys were walking and struggling and for days that God was there, Jesus saw and once he saw that he was really needed He came to them and gave them the path they needed after doing the hard work.” It fits us.

My faith is strong, even though we don’t go to church, my faith is strong and this has renewed my Faith and my faith in us too. I'm working hard to fell better, to be ok for the holidays.

When you said “Love you and please be mine forever:)".. I loved that!!!!!! You have no idea how little treats like that make me feel.

I hope the above makes sense, and you believe it as I do. I love you very much, and I am yours forever till the day I leave this earth! My heart and soul is yours as I hope the same for you...
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Her response:
I am glad you are feeling better about things. I want the holidays to go well and for you to enjoy them. I love you.

Then via text she said: everything happens for a reason and that she believes what I said that this could make us stronger.
*******

Is it unrealistic for me to expect a better response? LOL It pissed me off to tell you the truth.
I'm in a funk right now, feeling a bit ANGRY! Felling like why should i do this? gRanted I love her alot, but maybe I should maybe look at something else.
It makes me feel alot of times like she's upset she got caught more than anything... she say she's ashamed but I'm like where the f* was that when you were chatting? Then setting up a plan to go down and run a marathon and meet this f*k... UGH! Man I'm angry right now... Turkey day tomorrow and I could give a f*k.