Spiff, yes, sounds like my MIL. I read a book years ago called "children of the self absorbed" and it fit my H perfectly. I don't remember specifics, but it fit.
And now you have me thinking based on your thread. About the cycle of being abused/escaping. A big lightbulb went off in my head while reading your thread.
Over the years H and I always fought about the IL's. Because I felt that they were abusive, and he would not stand up to them. For me or himself. So finally, maybe 3 years ago, I was at women's group meeting and a speaker was talking about marriage, not even anything to do with these specific issues, but I decided that I needed to make changes for H. I stopped getting into it with his parents. I cut the complaining by at least 50%, I started "letting things go." When BD hit and H turned to his parents and they unleashed hell onto me, I was blindsided because I thought things had improved.
But now I am thinking, I was right. Things had improved. We weren't arguing anymore. To the point where H couldn't take it and turned to his parents to get that adrenaline rush of "fight". He will deny it. Maybe I am wrong. He will say that our constant fighting is what drove him away. But we had stopped fighting! And since BD I have not said one word about his parents, not one! And has that calmed him down? No, that has driven him closer to them, along with all the Pho-bashing that entails. He claims he wants peace, but he is seeking the drama. Actively seeking it out and fueling it. I am hoping that this is a process and he will "see it" and heal from it and actually choose the peaceful option (me!) or at least disengage from the fight and make peace on both ends. If the IL's can let go. They might, if they realize the consequence could be losing their son. I did somewhat, on my own, and then I did 100%, when I realized that was the consequence. But H is still holding onto the fight.
And now that it has been going on for this long and starting to become very obvious that I am not going to engage in it, he is leaving. Because he can't get the fight from me, so he is escaping. He will deny this and say the opposite. Maybe my theory is not exact, but I think there is some truth here, I need to think on it and explore some more.
