So..towards peace and happiness..

[Sotto]

Thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes - I'm looking forward to Tomorrow's event and will practice extra thankfulness too...

Well, Divorce Recovery Group was interesting. We watch a little movie first, then discuss as a group after. The theme was forgiveness. Watching the movie, there was lots of stuff I agreed with - it's important not to hold on to things, to release and let go, it only harms you and so on. Then, the presenter said, now here's the thing to think about - you don't say to your ex-spouse 'I forgive you' but you may well want to say to them 'please forgive me for the part I have played in our marriage ending'....and my reaction was...What?? Woah!!

I completely got all the earlier part, but hadn't anticipated I might be asked to ask for forgiveness to! Then we had the debate and my stuff was around - yes, I truly accept and recognise I was not a perfect spouse. And I'm sure I annoyed at times and caused some hurt at others. But what he did was so much worse. Do you still seek forgiveness if your 'part' was less than his? So, we had some debate about - does it matter that your percentage was 33 and his 66 - and who gets to decide that anyway...

So, it was all pretty useful and I was challenged. By the end of the session the message was that forgiving yourself and forgiving him are so important. Whether seeking forgiveness needed to be part of that caused more debate. One woman had emailed her ex (he had been unfaithful) with a brief apology for any part she had and he never responded, but she was glad to have sent the email and felt released. There was also a suggestion of write the note and don't send it, or burn it and let the ash float away.

Sleeping on it, I can see that it's rather arrogant for me to take the view - I have nothing to apologise for here! I accept that H came to feel a lot of pain, and whilst I didn't directly cause that, I'm sure there are things I could have done differently or better.

I feel that I could write and say that I hope he is able to forgive me for any part I have played in this. But now doesn't feel like the right time. I think I could and may do so once we reach a milestone, like the Decree Nisi or Absolute. I'll mull it over some more though. I did feel peaceful and happy after the session last night, and I'm more able to think of happy family memories with less pain too, which is good.

Any thoughts lovely DBers?? x