Let her be happy then, let her pursue what she thinks will fix all her problems. She's going to do it one way or another anyway, nothing you can do about it in the long run other than keep her focus on you more so she can't see herself.
The best you can do is leave her to live her own life and learn you weren't the problem. Sometimes the only way they learn that is by trial and error. They eventually destroy everything in their path but not much you can do but protect yourself anf the kids. It [censored], but this is how it is.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
VIse I know the reality of an actual separation hits hard when you see the steps taking place. I know all to well. But you need to turn that attention to what you are going to do for your own place, etc..
You need her to see you are not the reason for her not being happy. That may take being away from you. My w still blames me for some stuff and it makes me shake my head. I see her for maybe 5 minutes total a week and things are still my fault.
It is a long road
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Yes I am at a funny place right now, I think I am on the up swing of the cycle of grief.
This month should, I hope be better as it seems W and I are going to put any R talks away and focus on the holidays. Feels like some pressure is off us.
When we were talking about it I was really close to mentioning about her looking for a guy. but I kept my mouth shut. It drives me nuts know she is actively looking for someone else. The Best man didn't work out for her right now but she is willing to wait till he moves back into the area in a year to pursue him. She is talking to her divorced friend and she has had three dates in 5 years, telling my W that there is no guys out there. This is the one pushing her to get away from me.
I noticed how W focus was all over the map, guys, lack of sex, houses, S agreements, my mental health.
This needs to be a month of what I am going to, get my stuff ready for what is going to happen. Plan for the worst. How I am going to make it work for me.
I can put off the sale of the house for as long as I need.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I picked up kids at school and took them to the school book fair, they each got a book.
W came home after me, I was making pancakes for dinner, W is eating healthy now so she had a special dinner she made for her. That also means that I am paying for half of what she eats. Just how it is now. We ate dinner as a family.
W also mentioned to me that she now has a gym membership and with it I could go there too but not the same time as her. We would have to both go there and sing me up. I said that I would like to look at the place first. I don't know why she offered it to me, either its nice of her or she is hoping to share the cost of the membership.
Had an interesting conversation with S4, he wanted to watch a DVD whle W took S6 to a class. I told him what he was watching wasn't n the player because I was watching my movie, he asked if I watched with mommy, I said no she didn't want to watch it with me. Truth, but poor guy, must be hard to not see your parents be affectionate with each other or watch movies together.
So I have been getting the lonely feeling that I read on other sit. I miss the closeness of human touch ect. Nothing I can do right now. The hurt of asking for a hug months back is still fresh in my mind. You don't touch a hot stove twice. But as I move around the house and have to pass her I want to just reach out to her. Also we were talking and I am standing in front of her and I notice how long her fingers are. It was like I was looking a her hand for the first time.
I have been keeping up my appearance and last night my oldest notice that with out my glasses I looked different and normal. I think W noticed to as she asked if I was going out also. I said I wasn't. But after the kids were in bed I took the dog out for a walk, My dog school GAL has moved to Sundays. Now on Tuesday I am open for something else. I was out for a while just to keep her guessing.
When she was at S8 class she was texting me, of course about thing for me to do while they are gone. I just texted back that S4 is having fun playing a game with me. She continued with telling me to give him a bath, Then I just replied that we are having fun doing xxx now. I did end up giving him a bath because he did need one.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I have been getting my hair cut buy the same woman at a male barber shop that has all female barbers, I was taking my kids there too as its all sports themed they had good prices for kids cuts.
It was our guy place to go just me and the boys. Well that didn't last long before my W before BD shows her face in the place because I didn't answer her texts while I was getting a cut.
Then she would come when we would get our cuts. I asked her to back off nicely but she wouldn't, the woman that cut my hair ended up friending my W on facebook to share with us photos of the kids cuts. I thought it was different but ok.
The woman and I get along and I thought it was just good customer service. My W would joke to me that I had a crush on her. Not realy but it was funny to hear that from my W.
She ended up quitting that place and started to cut hair from home. My W started to get her hair done by her as well. At this point as part of DB I started to get my hair cut more often to keep a fresh look. The more I got it cut the more friendly she was to me. My wife got her hair done before the wedding she went to. I got my hair cut a week after and she asks how my W is and the family, so I told her that wee are S and I was surprised that my W didn't tell her.
She was floored and was going on how my W is nuts for leaving such a great guy and she would do anything have what we have and so on. And asking if I have been going out. Just all this great stuff about me, and how maybe she just feels like this because she is single and then saying she is the same age as my W. I was saying at the same time that I was trying to save the MR and letting my W do the work if this is what she wants.
So the next day I get thinking and rationalized me contacting her so that I could make more friends. That it would be no more that that. So I text her. for like an hour, just normal stuff. Then I email her that I would like to talk to her more as she was a good listener. She stopped it there, She said she valued my W and I friendships and would like it to stay like that.
I was devastated and all I was trying for was to have a friend someone to talk to, like we already were just not in the barber chair. She was the first person that I have told about the S. I was vulnerable and took a chance that was not the right time to take and got hurt.
This put me in that spin that I had last week. The rejection was like a second blow and punched me further into despair. I think sub consciously was spawned from hearing about my W looking for a man and wanting to mess around with the best man.
I knew that the NMMNG says look for friends that are male right now.
I messed up and if anything I hope it might stop someone else from making the same mistake after reading about it.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I think it is good that you posted this. I don't necessarily think you made a huge mistake. I think it is still something that you can explain the woman that cuts your hair to just clear the air. I know all the books say only guy friends. I also know that I have spoke to women and received the same response as you. It is good for our self worth in my opinion so I am not against still having friends of the opposite sex as long as you are confident you may not slip up.
I don't go out actively looking for female friends but I do not stop myself from speaking to them either.
I doknow one thing though, I choose my words very carefully around the females. If I have learned one thing in life that this is a very small world and things get back to W when you wouldn't think.
I think you are doing great. We all spin still in my opinion. not sure that will go away anytime soon either.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
So this seems to be something many of us dip into at some point and I'll offer some perspective that may be useful in dealing with your WW in the future.
You felt that urge to talk to the barber friend and even go a little closer. You get your hair cut more and more, eventually wanting to talk to her outside of work. Your W is neglecting you and your emotional needs and here is this woman that seems to understand your value. It makes you feel good in the hell your going through. You justify one small step as ok becaue it's harmless (need to get your hair cut more alot look nicer), then the next closer step (having her listen ad a friend) and if it continues you find yourself doing more and more and who knows where that would end if she would have gone along with it. It's understandable, you are in a bad place where someone is neglecting your emotional needs and here's someone else that's fulfilling them, so how can it be wrong to go after it?
Here is the problem. This is exactly what many of our S's do. Their needs are being unmet for years due to various M dynamics and finally someone steps in and makes it feel good. Before they known it there in an A. One small step here leads to another small step and the next becomes easier and easier to justify until your in a place where you never thought you could be. This is why you need to be very careful with female friends at this stage, it's just too easy get caught up in feeling good for once.
Just some thoughts, it might help you to avoid demonizing your S's later on. Understand we are all broken people with needs and sometimes we follow what feels good instead of what we know is right. It's human nature.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Reading your post I was seeing where you were taking it or would let it take you given the chance.
I made a joke yesterday about the term WLBS (Wayward Left Behind Spouse) but it is no joke.
When S checks out, especially with A, we at some stage become vulnerable around interested women. Our faithfulness is then only as good as our options.
If you want your R to work... concentrate on it. If you want out then get out and start fishing.
Believe me, if you ever did get involved with an OW whilst handling a S you do not want and also trying to keep it from S you would end up totally drained, lose perspective and question your original goals.
Problem is... if that does not work out and S finds out ... Imagine situation you will be in. You would have turned the tables overnight, become the bad guy and ... even though you try and blame her as the cuase, deep down you will know the truth and have to live with it.
